Bratwurst Surprise

 All Lost In The Supermarket

Nicky was shopping alone on a Saturday in a different supermarket to their usual haunt.

She realised she was lost. She telephoned Emily at her home and said to her:

“I'm all lost in the supermarket

I can no longer shop happily

I came in here for that special offer

A guaranteed personality.”

Emily responded: Which supermarket, Nicky?

Nicky: The sign in the store near this public telephone says “Joe’s Discount Supermarket”.

Emily: I know the one. Stay where you are near that public telephone. I will come and get you. There is no need to panic.

Nicky: Thank you, Emily.

Within 15 minutes Emily was approaching Nicky at the public telephone in Joe’s Discount Supermarket.

Emily: Everyday life is still a bit of a challenge for you isn’t it, Nicky?

Nicky: It is easier when you are around.

Emily: Let’s go and have a cup of tea.

Nicky: And a muffin.

As Nicky and Emily ate their muffins and drank their tea, Emily said to Nicky: I suppose I should tell you my last name.

Nicky: It never seemed necessary to ask you about it.

Emily: Well, I decided now is an appropriate time to reveal it to you.

Miss Parsons, if you are so disposed, you may refer to me as Miss Abernathy.

Nicky: Miss Abernathy? So that would also make you Agent Abernathy.

Emily: Correct, Agent Parsons.

Nicky: I was quite attached to Agent Emily.

Emily: Life is presenting you with choices, Nicky.

Nicky: Miss Emily Abernathy, this is a delicious muffin.

Emily: And I am enjoying my cup of tea, Miss Nicky Parsons.

Together the girls laughed.

Steak Sandwich Lunch

Upon his return to MI6 headquarters the day after his successful Foiled By Soup mission, the path to the office of M1 took him past the office of Emily. He paused for a moment as he did so and noticed she was not at her desk.

M1 proceeded to his office and immediately closed the door. He promptly located a piece of blank writing paper and a blank envelope and placed them on his desk. Before he sat down, MI took a £5 note from his wallet and placed it on his desk beside the blank writing paper and envelope. He then sat at his desk and wrote a simple note on the blank writing paper:

“Dry cleaning is expensive .

Agent M1"

He then turned his attention to the blank envelope and wrote on it: Agent Emily.

M1 then folded the writing paper note around the £5 note and placed it in the envelope. The envelope was then sealed and he put the envelope in his jacket pocket.

M1 proceeded to the office of Emily, who was still not hurt at her desk. M1 placed the envelope addressed to Agent Emily in the centre of her desk and returned to his office.

Around morning tea time Emily and Nikki Parsons were walking the halls of MI 6 when Emily noticed M1 and M2 in conversation nearby. She gently grabbed the arm of Nicky Parsons and walked her over to M1 and M2.

Emily said to Agents M1 and M2: I hear you chaps had a successful mission. We should go and have a steak sandwich for lunch to celebrate.

Emily produced a £5 note from her coat pocket and said: “My shout”.

After a slight pause M1 said: M2 knows a great quiet café.

Emily: We will meet at the office of M2 at lunchtime and he can take us to his quiet café.

Nicky Parsons said: “Excellent idea”.

Emily: “See you chaps then” 

Emily and Nicky then went about their business.

When lunchtime arrived, the four (4) agents met at the office of M2 and he took them to his quiet café, where he previously had lunch with M1. Conversation over lunch extended to no more than mundane matters.

When lunch was over and the agents returned to work, M1 and M2 said “Thank you for lunch, Emily”.

Saturday In The Park

It was Saturday morning and Emily was at her apartment doing her washing. In passing the time doing the washing, Emily found herself thinking about an intelligence report she was reading at work the previous day. For some reason she kept thinking about an Iron Curtain couple that were mentioned in that report, Svetlana and Igor. As she was progressing through her washing, she also found herself thinking about the recovered manuscript from her first mission that she definitely did not read. Emily was convinced that the Iron Curtain couple, Svetlana and Igor, were also mentioned in that manuscript. The more she thought about it, the more Emily was convinced they were assassins, and assassins operating in London.

Domestic demands interrupted her thoughts; Emily had run out of fabric softener and so had to go to her local supermarket to buy some. No trouble, she thought. It was a 15 minute round trip. So she changed her shoes, grabbed her handbag and headed out to the supermarket.

As Emily was returning to her apartment, she walked past a café. Sitting in that café right next to the footpath, was a couple in their thirties, talking somewhat loudly in a thick accent. Initially Emily thought nothing more of that couple. After she had walked on about 20 yards, it occurred to Emily that the café couple talking loudly were her Iron Curtain couple, Svetlana and Igor.

Emily immediately took herself and her fabric softener to a public telephone on the footpath. She telephoned Nicky Parsons.

Emily: Hello, Nicky. I was doing my washing and I lost track of time. I just realised I was supposed to go for a walk in the park near my home with you this morning. If you can forgive my oversight, we can meet at the telephone booth near the Bratwurst Café close to my place.

Nicky: "Emily. Our walk in the park? This morning?"

Emily: Yes. Bratwurst Café.

Nicky: I will be there in 10 minutes.

Emily: That handbag you often take to work. It will be perfect for your walk in the park.

Nicky: My work handbag?

Emily: The small one that fits in your coat pocket.

Nicky: I like that handbag.

Emily: Bratwurst Café. 10 minutes.

Nicky: I am on my way.

Emily then quickly walked home, retrieved her firearm and returned to the public telephone booth near Bratwurst Café. While she waited for Nicky to arrive, she noticed she still had her fabric softener purchase with her.

A couple of minutes later Nicky arrived.

Emily told Nicky she wanted to keep the Bratwurst Café in her vision, so their conversation might be a little difficult. Nicky was patient with Emily.

Emily told Nicky her theory about the Iron Curtain couple, Svetlana and Igor.

As Nicky was listening to Emily, she could not stop thinking that this Iron Curtain couple, Svetlana and Igor were assassins that she learned about in her 2020s MI6 spy training.

This couple were the real deal. Nicky revealed none of that to Emily.

Nicky: What do you propose we do?

Emily: I thought we might go and have a chat with them. I assume you have your work handbag with you?

Nicky: Yes, it is in my pocket.

Emily: As is mine. We might even have a cup of tea.

Nicky: I am a little thirsty, now that you mention it.

Emily: Let’s go then.

Emily lead the way to the Bratwurst Café. Upon their arrival Emily took the lead.

Emily: “Svetlana, I have not seen you for ages.”

Svetlana was surprised by this development.

Emily sat down beside Svetlana and placed the barrel of her firearm on the thigh of Svetlana.

Nicky sat down beside Igor and placed the barrel of her firearm at his ribs.

Emily: Igor. Svetlana has told me so much about you. It is good to finally meet you.

Emily: This looks like a perfect time for a pot of tea.

Emily to the café staff behind the counter: Can we have a pot of tea, please?

Café Staff: Certainly, Miss.

Emily put her fabric softener purchase on their café table.

Nicky sat in silence and kept her attention acutely on Igor.

Igor sat in silence. He was not sure what was going on.

Svetlana looked uneasy about her new friends.

Emily: No need to get your purse, Svetlana. The tea is my shout.

The pot of tea arrived quickly thereafter.

Emily thanked the café staff and said she would look after pouring the tea.

Emily immediately poured a cup of tea for Nicky and her from the pot.

She then took her fabric softener bottle and poured some of its content into the pot of tea. She then poured a cup of tea each for Svetlana and Igor.

Emily: Svetlana, you look thirsty. You should drink your tea. As should you, Igor.

Emily and Nicky then pressed their firearms firmer into Svetlana and Igor.

Emily: No need to be shy. We are old friends.

Emily: Drink it all.

Svetlana and Igor looked at each other and at their new friends. The firearms of their new friends were very persuasive.

Svetlana and Igor each drank the tea Emily poured for them.

It was not long before the fabric softener additive took effect.

Both Svetlana and Igor and Igor fell to the floor, convulsing.

The café staff looked concerned.

Emily: It is OK. I have seen this before with my friends. I will take care of it.

Emily to Nicky: Are you OK to watch them? I will go and make a telephone call.

Nicky: I will be fine. Go and make your call.

Emily then went to the public telephone booth nearby and rang MI6:

“ There is a situation at Bratwurst Café near my home. Get a team here fast.”

Emily then returned to Bratwurst Café and Nicky. They monitored Svetlana and Igor until the MI6 team arrived.

The MI6 team worked swiftly. They put Svetlana and Igor into one of their motor vehicles and returned to MI6 headquarters.

By the time their MI6 colleagues left Bratwurst Café, Nicky and Emily had finished drinking their tea.

Nicky: Are we going have that walk in the park, Emily, or are we going to your place?

Emily: My place, Nicky. Let’s go.

Emily paid for the tea and the agents proceeded to her apartment.

As they were walking from Bratwurst Café to the apartment of Emily, Nicky said to Emily: “Fabric softener, Emily?”

Emily: I had to improvise.

Nicky: Improvise you did.

The agents then laughed.

Conference Room

M1 and M2 were walking the halls of MI6 headquarters when they witnessed Svetlana and Igor being processed. As they watched the processing procedure, M1 and M2 enquired about the apprehension of these enemy agents. One of the processing agents told M1 the apprehension of the Bratwurst Café couple was more of the handiwork of Nicky Parsons and Emily and it involved the use of fabric softener as a disabling tool.

M1: Fabric softener?. No way.

M1 to M2: We have to find out the story of the fabric softener.

As they made their way back to their respective offices, M1 and M2 called in to the office of Emily and asked her to explain about the fabric softener.

Emily: I will get Agent Parsons. We will go to a conference room and we will tell you what you need to know about what happened.

Emily then took M1 and M2 to the office of Nicky Parsons: "Nicky, Have you got time to come with me and explain to M1 and M2 how to use fabric softener?"

Nicky: Sure. Let’s go.

As the four (4) agents entered an MI6 conference room, Emily went through the formalities of closing the door and putting up the “In Use” sign.

After the agents took their seats around the conference table, Emily got down to business:

"I was doing my washing and realised I needed fabric softener, so I went to the supermarket to buy some. As I was on my way back to my apartment, I noticed Svetlana and Igor were at a café. I immediately telephoned Nicky and invited her for morning tea. She was kind enough to accept my invitation."

"When Nicky joined me, we entered the café and invited Svetlana and Igor to join us in a pot of tea. After I poured a cup of tea for Nicky and I, I poured some of my newly purchased fabric softener in the pot of tea and poured a cup of tea each for Svetlana and Igor."

"Svetlana found my firearm pointed at her thigh a compelling reason to drink her tea."

"Nicky kindly used her firearm pointed at the ribs of Igor to persuade him to drink his tea."

"Igor was a compliant morning tea guest."

"Surprisingly Svetlana and Igor went into some sort of convulsive response and ended up on the floor. I then went and rang MI6 to send help for these poor foreign visitors. MI6 was kind enough to attend and take Svetlana and Igor away to look after them."

"Is there anything you want to add, Nicky?"

Nicky: No. I am good..

Emily: Are there any questions, gentlemen?

M1: Fabric softener?

Emily: It can have more than one use.

M2: I have no questions.

Nicky: The next time you chaps are doing your washing, think how uncomfortable life will be now for our foreign friends, subdued by fabric softener. That has got to be more than a little embarrassing for international agents.

M1 and M2 were not sure what to say.

Emily: Are you chaps happy now?

M1 and M2: Yes, thank you.

Emily: It looks like this meeting is now over. Enjoy the rest of your day.

The agents then returned to their respective offices.

As Nicky Parsons was about to enter her office, she said to Emily: Well done, Agent Abernathy.

Emily: I could not have done it without you, Agent Parsons.

The agents laughed and Emily returned to her office.