Russian Caravan

The Minor Key Café

Nicky Parsons and Emily Abernathy were having morning tea at the Minor Key Café. As they were enjoying their tea and muffins, they were approached by a well dressed, well presented, attractive young woman.

“You ladies seem to appreciate the delights of drinking tea. Do you mind if I join you? My preference is English Breakfast, although I have consumed my share of Earl Grey.”

Nicky and Emily looked at each other perplexed. Nicky replied: Take a seat.

The Guest continued: You ladies do not look like you have much of a taste for Russian Caravan. In my work, I have intermittent contact with a Mr 40Something who has quite the taste for Russian Caravan tea. I do not like to disappoint him. He pays well. So I am always well stocked in Russian Caravan. Mr Russian Caravan also has an interesting accent. I thought he may interest you. Is there somewhere we can go to discuss you keeping an eye on Mr Russian Caravan, or are you happy to continue the discussion here?

Emily: Miss, I think you may have confused us with someone else.

Guest: Your modesty is understandable. I do not make a fuss about my job. It tends to have unpleasant consequences when the fuss happens. I watched your friend take out a rather nasty chap one Saturday morning many, many months ago, in the alley beside this café. I am well aware you two ladies are not secretaries. Good shooting at the street festival, by the way.

I do not mean to be rude, ladies. Are you interested in Mr Russian Caravan? I can let you know when he is next scheduled to attend my work, so you know who to watch. Or should I go away and not bother you further?

Nicky: Yours is an interesting proposition. You provide us with a potential target, but we are not to compromise you or your place of work. Your proposal seems to be resplendent with potential for collateral damage. Assuming we are able to photograph this chap coming and going from your Tea Drinking Club, there is no guarantee others will not become aware of your Tea Drinking Club in the process.

Emily: Once the photographs are on our files, they are on our files. They are evidence for use as the situation demands.

Guest: This Tea Drinking Club is very different to the one where I work

Nicky: I am not disposed to discourage you from drinking tea here.

Guest: I am happy to stick to English Breakfast and Earl Grey and not rain on your parade with Russian Caravan. I have also been known to consume the occasional scone.

Emily: My proposal is that we give you our work contact details and you give us your home contact details, as well as the location of your Tea Drinking Club. We will try to minimise any collateral damage.

After producing a blank piece of writing paper and a pen from her handbag, the guest proceeded to write down her home contact details, as well as the location and contact details of her Tea Drinking Club.

Guest: You can write your relevant details on the bottom half of the paper I used, cut the paper in half and then everyone will be happy.

Once the contact details were swapped, the Guest again spoke: Thank you, ladies. It has been lovely meeting you and I will trouble you no further today.

As she was rising from her chair to leave, the guest said:

“By the way, Agent Abernathy, although I was not there to witness it, my guess is that you are the lady who put fabric softener in the pot of tea of a couple of Iron Curtain trouble makers.

Enjoy the rest of your day, ladies.”

The guest then left the Minor Key Café.

Would You Stay If She Promised You Heaven?

Nicky Parsons introduced M2 to the Tea Drinking Club escort and temporarily left their company. M2 was rather taken by her beauty and how she presented.

M2 to the Escort: “I am going to let you deal with the ladies. And I am going to call you Rhiannon, because with you, I would never win.”

Nicky Parsons returned to them promptly.

M2: I will leave you ladies to it. Please excuse me.

The Escort: I just had an unusual exchange with M2. He said: “I am going to call you Rhiannon, because with you, I would never win.”

Nicky Parsons smiled and said to herself: Rhiannon. Will you ever win?

Nicky then asked the escort: Do you think he would stay if you promised him heaven?

The Escort looked perplexed.

Nicky: It is OK. I will take care of it. And as uncomfortable as it may be for you, I quite like the idea of calling you Rhiannon.

Problem at The Tea Drinking Club

In the process of researching and surveilling Mr Russian Caravan, M2 learned that Rhiannon was having a problem with a male she knew through her Tea Drinking Club. Rhiannon chose not to tell Nicky Parsons about him. M2 added the Problem Tea Drinker to his surveillance list. M2 became very familiar with the routine of Mr Problem Tea Drinker. So much so, he set up a sniper room almost directly across the road from the Tea Drinking Club.

2:00 am was approaching and Mr Problem Tea Drinker was the only person walking on the footpath in the vicinity of the Tea Drinking Club. M2 had Mr Problem Tea Drinker in the sight off his sniper rifle.

M2 said: “For Queen and Country” and put two clean shot rounds in the forehead of Mr Problem Tea Drinker, who promptly fell to the ground. His tea drinking days were over.

M2 then packed up his sniper kit and left his sniper room. Once he was on the footpath, he found a public telephone booth and called the situation in to MI6. He told them to send a clean up team to the Tea Drinking Club.

M2 then returned to MI6 and completed his Mission Report. He did not go home. He got some small patches of unsatisfactory sleep in his office.

As soon as Nicky Parsons arrived at work, she was surprised to see M2 waiting in her office with his completed Mission Report.

M2 spoke to Nicky: “There are some days when I really do not like you. The things you make me do. Rhiannon had a problem at her Tea Drinking Club. I took care of it. For Queen and Country. Here is my Mission Report. I will never win.”

M2 then left the office of Nicky Parsons.

It is accurate to say that Nicky Parsons was in shock. She shut the door to her office. Reading the M2 Mission Report would have to wait until she processed what she just heard.

Three M2 statements just kept playing on repeat for her:

• There are some days when I really do not like you.

• The things you make me do.

• I will never win.

After about 20 minutes Nicky recovered enough of her equilibrium to telephone Emily and asked her to come to her office.

Emily attended without delay and when she arrived she was greeted by something she had never previously encountered, a clearly shaken and distressed Nicky Parsons.

Nicky immediately said to Emily: Can you read this Mission Report, please. There is no way I can read it.

Emily: “Certainly”. And she took the Mission Report from Nicky to read.

The silence in the room while Emily read the report seemed strange.

It did not take Emily long to read the report.

Emily: Did you know Rhiannon had a problem with a Tea Drinker at her Tea Drinking Club?

Nicky: This is news to me. I know M2 is very upset, and that is putting it mildly.

Emily: M2 took care of the problem Tea Drinker.

Nicky: The one person in all of MI6 that you do not want to have to take care of a problem for Rhiannon, was the person who would do the job best. He warned me. He said he would never win. He wanted out because he knew she would never deliver the heaven she promised. Queen and Country made him stay. And he did his duty, even though it was crushing for him.

Emily: M2 took out a problem that had no connection to the Iron Curtain.

Nicky: M2 took out a threat to an MI6 information source.

Emily: This is not a controversial Mission Report. No further work flows from it. It can just be filed away in the vault.

Nicky: Good. No more reports on M2 from this. No doctors, We will have to try to help M2 deal with this situation with as little external fuss as possible.

Emily: How are you feeling?

Nicky: Glad you are here.

The Boss

Within seconds of that conversation, the Boss entered the office of Nicky Parsons. He then closed the door and stood with his back to the door.

The Boss: “Do not misunderstand my stance and positioning, ladies. I merely do not want us to be interrupted.

M2 taking care of the problem tea drinker is not the problem. The damage done to M2 in taking care of the problem tea drinker is the problem.

By the look of Nicky Parsons, I would say that you two ladies are well aware of the situation.

Some considerable time ago you two agents went on a mission with a very raw M1. Afterwards I suggested M2 spend some time with M1 and help him come to terms with what he had just experienced.

I suspect healing M2 will take considerably more than spending some quiet café time with one or more of The Famous Five. Especially as Rhiannon seems to be an ongoing information source.”

Emily: How do you know all this?

The Boss: “You two ladies are not the only enigmas in this organisation.

Healing M2 will take some time. Please let me know if you need any help with that healing process.

Emily, I think Nicky would benefit from not being at MI6 today. Take your time. No need to rush. Perhaps you could telephone my secretary every hour or so to see whether there have been any developments or your attendance is required.

I think I will return to my office now. I have faith in you, ladies.”

The boss then returned to his office.

M1

M1 spent the day going over all the information MI6 had on Mr Russian Caravan, again. The evidence was clear. He was an innocent man. A Russian now living in London, who very simply genuinely enjoys Russian Caravan tea. He also was a single man who happened to be a client of Rhiannon the escort. His employment was irrelevant. He was not involved in activities that were in any way a threat to the United Kingdom.

By about 3:00 pm M1 had located the contact details of Rhiannon and telephoned her at her home: “You should come and see me. You can be here by 4:00 pm. There is no reason for you to be late. We will find somewhere where we can chat without unnecessary eyes and ears.

4:00 pm.  Do not be late. If your desire is to be late, I can help you out with that. 4:00 pm.”

Rhiannon was a little unsettled by that telephone call, but not enough to risk being late for her 4:00 pm meeting. When she arrived at MI6, she was promptly greeted by M1.

M1: Let’s go for a walk. I know a park that is lovely this time of day.

That greeting did little to balance the equilibrium of Rhiannon, but she was not about to test her luck with M1, so she complied with his request.

The walk to the park occurred in silence, apart from the sounds of the city.

Once they arrived at the park, Rhiannon could see they were the only humans present and the birds had little interest in them.

M1: “Your mojo does not work on me. I work with three beautiful women and there are several more on staff. Killers with killer looks. The things I have done for them.”

There was no chance of the Rhiannon equilibrium stabilising now.

M1 continued: “I have reviewed all the information we have on your Mr Russian Caravan. The evidence is clear. He is an innocent man. A Russian now living in London, whose only crime could be said to be he genuinely enjoys Russian Caravan tea. I am not sure enjoying Russian Caravan tea is a crime.

Your man happens to be single and one of your Tea Drinking clients. His employment is irrelevant. He was not involved in anything that was in any way a threat to the United Kingdom.

What you did not tell us was that you had a problem with another Tea Drinker at your Tea Drinking Club. We took care of your problem for you. More particularly, M2 took care of your problem for you.

You can consider that service we provided to you as payment for your information provision services. You ended up a long way in front on that deal.

All things considered, it seems a good time for you to retire from the vocation of providing information to MI6. Your welfare and well-being can then be a problem for someone else.

We did not need to put Mr Russian Caravan on our books. We did it because of you and now we know far too much about an innocent man.

M2 then took care of your problem because you were providing information to us. A good man was crushed because of your false alarm.

M2 should never have met you.”

This was completely unexpected by Rhiannon and her unbalanced equilibrium was making comprehending all this information more difficult.

M1: There is nothing you can do to repair the damage you have caused to M2. The best thing you can do is leave and not subject him to more of your damage.

If you are having trouble processing this information, tell me something positive you have provided to us.

Rhiannon offered nothing in reply.

M1: Yours is a starless sky, Rhiannon. Upon my return to MI6, I intend to inform them of your retirement from providing information to us. MI6 thanks you for your service. You are now free to return to promising heaven and never delivering, but without the support and protection of MI6.

As M1 turned and made his way back to MI6, Rhiannon stood dead still, unable to move or speak. It took Rhiannon just under ten minutes to leave the park and commence her very uncomfortable journey home.