The Consequences Mirror

 Dresden Leipzig sought to relive some of the tedium and boredom of his new 15 Minute City life by going for a walk in his neighbourhood. Leipzig was struck by the magnitude of surveillance cameras that populated the neighbourhood.

He was not really keeping track of time during his walk. Leipzig was gone from his apartment from between an hour and a half to two hours and when he returned home, he found himself locked out of his apartment, for reasons unknown to him.

He passed the time in the evening walking the streets to the City centre.

That venture saw him encounter city security officers, who informed him he was in breach of the recently implemented curfew.

Leipzig: I was not aware of the curfew.

Security Officer: Notification was sent earlier today to the computer in your apartment.

Leipzig: I am locked out of my apartment for reasons not known to me.

Security Officer: That is not our problem. You are in breach of the curfew. We will now arrest you and take you into custody. Needless to say, this will adversely impact your carbon footprint score.

Leipzig enjoyed some comfort during his time in the watch house cell, he had no companions to share or aggravate his misery.

When the security officer greeted Dresden the next morning, the officer told Dresden they had decided not to put Dresden before the court. He was free to make his way home. They were also confident there would be no problem for Dresden accessing his apartment when he returned there.

Dresden knew better than to argue with or complain about his treatment to the security officers. It was an exasperated and infuriated Dresden who walked home from the City watch house.

Sporadically seeing billboards proclaiming:

• Enjoy your 15 Minute City, Infidels. This was the life you wanted.

on his way home did nothing to lighten the mood of Dresden.

New Regime

The New Regime was determined to revamp the legal system and that change would be personally overseen by The Chief of The Stasi.

Court was in session and The Chief of The Stasi entered the Court, visibly possessed of a firearm.

Stasi Officer: Everyone keep quiet and do not move.

A court administrative staffer was foolish enough to ignore him and moved.

Without flinching, the Stasi Officer trained his firearm on the defiant court administrative staffer and ended her life.

Stasi Officer: I said do not move. Do not even think of calling security. You will live, if you do what I say.

Stasi Officer: Judge, There is a New Regime and that regime is going to do things very differently. This time properly. You will do as I say or you will suffer the consequences.

Judge: Looking a little perplexed.

Stasi Officer: Judge, Telephone your mother. Do not argue. Just Do it.

The Judge telephoned his mother, as requested.

Stasi Officer: Put it on speaker, Judge.

The Judge complied.

The Mother of the Judge spoke to the Judge: Son, why are there men with guns here?

Stasi Officer: "Hello, Mrs Judge. The Judge is learning the importance of doing things the way the New Regime wants things done, not the corrupt way the old regime did things.

I am sure the Judge will want to comply and not try to be a hero.

Have a nice day, Mrs Judge."

The telephone call ended and The Chief of The Stasi left the Courtroom to pursue other duties.

The Following Day

The following day The Chief of The Stasi returned to the court. This time he had colleagues with him and they were all obviously brandishing firearms. He also brought with him Mrs Judge, the mother of the Judge.

As soon as the Stasi Officer and his entourage entered the courtroom, he said:

“No one is leaving this courtroom and do not even think of speaking or moving.

Mr Judge, It was made explicitly clear to you yesterday that a new regime was in power and the law will comply with the wishes of the new regime.

You have shown by the judgment you have just given that you have no intention of complying with the law of the new regime. Such defiance will not be tolerated.

You mother was part of the explanation process yesterday. She is here today to witness what happens to people who defy the new regime.”

By now two armed new regime males were positioned either side of the Judge, with their firearms drawn.

The Stasi Officer continued:

“You now have a choice Mr Judge: Do it yourself or we will do it for you."

One of the new regime males then placed a firearm on the bench in front of the Judge. There was absolute silence in the courtroom. Everyone could see there were several firearms trained on the Judge’

The Stasi Officer continued: “Eat it, Judge, or we will do it for you.”

It was then that the true horror of the situation into which the Judge had placed himself became clear to him.

The Stasi Officer: “You do not get a second chance, Judge. Eat it. You have 30 seconds.”

The Judge picked up the gun, but seemed to hesitate.

The New Regime officers did not hesitate. The life of the Judge was ended immediately, and in front of his mother.

The Stasi Officer: “It is unfortunate your son chose to be defiant, rather than compliant, Mrs Judge. We are confident you will not make the kind of mistake he made. One of my colleagues will now drive you home.”

“To everyone else present in this courtroom, defiance will not be tolerated. Could one of you administrative people get a new Judge to this Court immediately, please.”

A female administrative officer then telephoned someone: “There has been a situation in Court 17. We need a new Judge here immediately.”

Within 10 minutes a new Judge was in the courtroom.

The Stasi Officer addressed him, as he observed the now deceased Judge being removed from the chair:

“You will reverse the orders made in this case by your now late colleague or you will enjoy the same fate as him. Should any of your colleagues choose to defy the New Regime, your future will be the same as his.

The lawyers here will help you make the correct orders.

Should anyone choose defiance, we will find you and extinguish you.”

The Stasi Officer and his entourage then left the courtroom.

Princess of Language Hypocrisy

The Princess of Language Hypocrisy was in line at the Electricity Company, waiting to pay her Utility Bill, which was due that day. In her company was a male companion.

Relevantly they had the following conversation, where she opined in respect of her male companion:

“Oh, people will say, That’s what he said. That’s not what he meant.”

The male companion looked at her and answered:

“I meant what I said. How could you take it any other way?”

The demands of the Electricity Company interrupted further conversation. The Princess of Language Hypocrisy presented her bill to the staff member and said she would like to pay the entire amount on the bill.

The Electricity Company staff member appeared to process her credit card payment in settlement of the bill. All appeared in order, so The Princess of Language Hypocrisy and her male companion left the premises.

Three (3) days later The Princess of Language Hypocrisy was contacted by the Electricity Company to inform her that her Utility Bill remained unpaid. The Princess then made a second relevant trip to the Electricity Company, accompanied by what she thought was the relevant paperwork confirming the subject bill had been paid.

When The Princess eventually saw an Electricity Company staff member in relation to the bill, she presented her paperwork claiming it supported her contention that the subject bill had been paid.

The Electricity Company staff member responded:

“Madame, We have conducted a review of your account and of the subject transaction to which you refer. Our staff member dealing with you on that occasion is clear. When you said you wanted to pay the bill, she knew that is what you said. She also knew That is not what you meant. Accordingly, the funds from that transaction were applied elsewhere.”

“Madame, You are not being punished because you are an unfaithful wife, nor are you being punished because you are a climate hoaxer. You are being punished because you have not paid the subject bill. As the subject bill remains unpaid, Carbon Credit penalties will apply to you, until such time as the subject bill is paid.”

“Madame, If you are having trouble accurately remembering the day in question, we have reviewed the video recording of your attendance upon us that day.

Relevantly we note you told your male companion:

“Oh, people will say, That’s what he said. That’s not what he meant.”

All that has happened with you Madame, is that you have been subjected to your own ideology.”

“Perhaps you could take some time to consider your position, Madame, while we serve other customers, and then you can tell us whether you want to pay the subject bill. If that bill is paid, Carbon Credit penalties for late payment will not apply to you.”

Roughly 15 minutes later The Princess was approached by three (3) large male regime security officers. One of those officers spoke to The Princess:

“We note you have not paid your Utility Bill. We also note you are an unfaithful wife and a Climate Hoaxer. It looks like you would benefit from a Three (3) month stint in our 15 Minute Cities Re-Education program. That program will help you correct your thinking.”

Within an hour, The Princes of Language Hypocrisy was receiving her induction to the 15 Minute Cities Re-Education Program. The Regime Officer conducting the induction said to The Princess:

“All you had to do was pay your Utility Bill. Instead, you insisted on drawing attention to yourself and now you are being inducted into this program. Welcome to Your Actions Have Consequences.”

The Princess was uncharacteristically silent during that conversation and induction program.

15 Minute Cities Re-Education Program

Just over a week after spending a night in custody for breaching a curfew, Dresden discovered the new regime was keen to share more of its hospitality with him. He was visited at his home by security officers, who informed him he had been enrolled in a 15 Minute Cities Re-Education Program and his attendance was required immediately.

Surprisingly, for someone who previously strongly advocated for re-education programmes for Infidels, Dresden was less than enthusiastic that he should have to attend one.

Even in the induction program for the 15 Minute Cities Re-Education Program, the message was clear:

• The Infidels have a choice: Epiphany or Eternal Damnation in 15 Minute Cities.

That message was repeated relentlessly during the Re-Education Program.

During the actual Re-Education Program more messages were repeated relentlessly:

• Every single piece of the 15 Minute Cities comes from the Infidels.

• The Infidels are the problem.

• Infidels should be given no respite from the hell their religious fervour and zealotry created, unless their epiphany is genuine and permanent.

• Unless they have an epiphany, the damnation of Infidels in the 15 Minute Cities will be eternal, without relief.

• The whole idea of 15 Minute Cities in the New Regime is to show that they are a bad idea and should never be implemented.

• The only people in the 15 Minute Cities are the people who advocated for them.

The lecturers at the Re-Education Program did not miss their targets. Dresden Leipzig and The Princess of Language Hypocrisy were focal points. They were seen as regime recalcitrants and relentlessly punished.

Not revealing the indiscretions of the other was seen as a serious breach by the lecturers and significant punishments were meted out to Dresden Leipzig and The Princess of Language Hypocrisy, including the imposition of Carbon Footprint penalties.

It is difficult to say that attendees of the Re-Education Program were dehumanised, given it was the very type of program for which they advocated for Infidels of their religious zealotry.

The Princess of Language Hypocrisy had a great deal of difficulty understanding the rank hypocrisy of her position.

That position of:

• "That's what he said. That's not what he meant."

could equally be applied to her in a regime that relentlessly implemented a:

• "This is your ideology. This is what you wanted" ideology.

The Princess wanted to control the language, but she did not want that ideology used against her.

Her stay at the 15 Minute City looks to be long and painful.

The attack upon Dresden Leipzig by the regime was brutal and relentless. This was what he wanted and this was what he was getting. Leipzig was used as an example of everything bad the re-education program lecturers wanted to emphasise. It is accurate to say there was an attempt to make him a pariah even in a community of Infidels.

The sun was never going to shine for Dresden Leipzig. There would be no new dawn. There would be no new day.

The Carbon Cage

The new government having now taken power, The Chief of The Stasi has been implementing his programme of transition. Those who believed in the censorship etc of the previous government are systematically identified and then conscripted to live in 15 Minute Cities . They are also subjected to carbon footprint rationing and digital identification, even microchipping.

It would be an ambitious use of the language to describe convicted Climate Hoaxer, and Infidel, Dresden Leipzig as comfortable with his court-imposed punishment of being required to be Microchipped and have a Digital ID. That foray into the criminal justice system has definitely seen Leipzig subsequently welcomed To The Terrordome.

Bank Account

Somewhat surprisingly Dresden Leipzig lost his sense of humour when he sought to access his bank account from an automatic teller machine. The machine in question informed Leipzig The Infidel that he needed to go to nearest actual bank branch, because his account was not accessible.

After waiting roughly three (3) hours at the bank, a staff member attended up Leipzig and initially told him his account could not be located. After another lengthy pause, the staff member returned to Dresden to inform him that the subject account had been located, but it has no funds in it. Leipzig was shocked by that news, because he believed he had considerable funds in the account.

Significantly Leipzig was also told that there was a notation on the account that Dresden had exceeded his allocated carbon footprint. Accordingly, no business could be transacted with him, until such time as his carbon footprint was reduced to an acceptable level.

The bank officer further informed Dresden if the bank were to conduct business with him whilst he had exceeded his allocated carbon footprint, it will be subjected to significant financial penalties.  Accordingly there was no incentive for the bank to be benevolent to Dresden.

Dresden Leipzig was enjoying first hand experience the sort of exclusion and government control of Infidels for which he was previously such an enthusiastic advocate. His sense of humour was nowhere to be seen.

As Leipzig was preparing to leave his bank, another staff member approached the staff member dealing with Dresden. After their brief conversation Dresden was informed that a new status would be applied to his account, as a result of conformation of a reduction of his carbon footprint to below his allocated level. This meant the bank could now conduct business with him and any funds in the account would be available to him. There was also sufficient funds in his account for him to make the withdrawal he was seeking.

The bank officer then accompanied Dresden to a teller and the desired withdrawal transaction was negotiated. That withdrawal transaction only took Leipzig roughly 4.5 hours to complete.

Newsagent

With cash now in his wallet, Dresden made his way to the bus stop and commenced his journey home. When he alighted the bus at his stop, he attended upon a newsagent proximate to the stop to purchase a magazine. The newsagency staff told Dresden the notation on their transaction computer was that he had exceeded his allocated carbon footprint, so no business could be conducted with him.

Leipzig was aware of the presence of other customers in the store. Some were waiting in line behind him and were getting annoyed that his Infidel status was impeding their progress to being served. Dresden did not want to involve himself in any more humiliation, so he left the newsagency without challenging their contention and without any magazines.

Following his experience at the bank and the newsagent, Dresden acknowledged to himself he will have trouble paying his utility bills and the like, because he cannot necessarily access the funds in his bank account.

Segregated Train Station Entry

The programme of transition implemented by The Chief of The Stasi extended to segregated train station entry, as Kate painfully discovered at the busy Kangaroo train station.

There were two (2) clearly marked entry lines for the automated gates at Kangaroo train station:

• one labelled "Non-Infidel Access";

• the other "Infidel Processing."

People moved through the "Non-Infidel" line with relative ease. The "Infidel Processing" line moved considerably slower, with frequent pauses for ID checks.

A Non-Infidel in her late 20s and dressed in practical work attire, Aria was clearly in a hurry and entered the "Non-Infidel Access" line. Prior to Aria, Kate, a 30Something Infidel, mistakenly joined that "Non-Infidel Access" line.

Aria had her eyes fixed on the departure board, as she tapped her foot impatiently. Her train to Sector 7 was nearing final boarding. The "Non-Infidel Access" line was moving steadily, a testament to her compliant status within the system, she thought.

Three (3) places ahead of her, Kate reached the automated gate and placed a worn wristband against the scanner. A jarring red light flashed, accompanied by a curt, robotic voice:

• "Digital ID Rejected. Incorrect Access Point. Infidel Processing Required. Please proceed to designated line."

A collective groan rippled through the "Non-Infidel Access" queue. Several people shifted their weight, their own schedules now slightly imperiled by this disruption.

"Ugh, not one of them," Aria muttered under her breath, her annoyance immediately amplified by the clearly marked separate line.

Kate visibly recoiled at the robotic directive and the glares from the people behind her. She seemed confused and perhaps a little ashamed, her eyes darting towards the much slower "Infidel Processing" line.

"Come on, move it along!" Aria exclaimed, stepping closer. "Some of us have actual lives and schedules! You are in the wrong line! Can't you even follow simple instructions?"

Aria glared at Kate, her fists clenching. "You people are all the same! Cluttering up the system, causing delays for those of us who contribute!" She roughly pushed past Kate, attempting to scan her own ID, but the gate remained locked, due to the previous rejection.

Kate stammered, her voice barely audible. "I ... I did not see ... I just ..." She fumbled with her wristband, her face paling.

"Well, now you have cost me my train!" Aria snapped, her face flushed with anger. The chime announcing the final boarding call of her train echoed through the station. "Because of your incompetence! First you are an Infidel, now you can not even read signs!"

The robotic voice from the automated entry gate repeated its directive. Simultaneously, two (2) uniformed Peacekeepers approached Kate The Infidel.

"Subject identified. Incorrect sector access attempted. Infidel processing required. You are causing a disruption in a designated Non-Infidel zone. Come with us," one Peacekeeper stated, his tone laced with disdain.

Kate offered no resistance, her head bowed in shame and resignation. The added layer of having been in the wrong line seemed to amplify her sense of guilt and helplessness.

Aria watched, her anger barely contained. "Good. Maybe they will finally learn to stay in their designated areas," she hissed.

The Peacekeepers led Kate away to be processed as a transgressing Infidel.

Punishment

Kate knew, short of a miracle, she would be transferred to a 15-Minute City. Whether she also received an added reprimand for attempting to use the wrong access point was not a significant concern to her, in the circumstances.

Transactional Justice - Offering Up A Sacrificial Lamb

The Criminal Justice System was purring along under the new regime, implementing the correctional justice the regime decreed was necessary to restore order to the community.

An otherwise unremarkable minor level Climate Hoaxer found himself before the Court and added some colour to what are usually sterile proceedings. His crime was attending a small climate change rally.

He addressed the Sentencing Judge personally:

• “Please do not subject me to microchipping and Digital ID. I will give you the identification details of a grotesque reality television contestant. She is surely a greater scourge on our society then me.”

In reply the Sentencing Judge said:

I concede in evaluating the two (2) players currently in the spotlight, the reality television contestant is the more repulsive.  I am disposed to grant your request, on your commitment / promise to the Court that your Climate Hoax days are over.

The Accused: I will happily sign such an undertaking.

The Sentencing Judge added: However, I currently do not have the power to do so. Perhaps you might address me on why microchipping and Digital ID is not an appropriate sentence for you.

In his ultimate address to the Court regarding the colourful low-level Climate Hoaxer, the Sentencing Judge said:

“You have convinced me microchipping and Digital ID is not the appropriate sentence for you. And upon your agreement, which you have already given, you will be sentenced to 500 hours of unpaid community service work. I reiterate again to you, it is time you retired from Climate Hoaxing.”

Train Station

A couple of days subsequent to his confronting bank and newsagent experience, Dresden made his way to his local train station, as he had an errand to run in the city. Dresden ensured he was in the "Infidel Processing" line and had no intention of complaining about the slow progress that line might make.

When Dresden made it to the automated gates at the head of his Infidel Processing line, he placed his government imposed wristband against the scanner. Leipzig then discovered his digital identification was rejected. That rejection triggered a warning across the security system and security officers were dispatched to locate Dresden and transfer him to a 15-Minute City zone.

15 Minute City

Upon relocation to his new residential environment, a 15 Minute City, Dresden was subjected to a brief induction program. The city itself was soulless and sterile. The modest city centre was surrounded by indistinguishable apartment buildings that stretched to the boundary of the city. No infidels are allowed to own or use motor vehicles. The boundary of the city is a walk of 15 minutes from the city centre.

All 15 Minute City inhabitants (Infidels) are expected to wear their government issued wristbands at all times. Even if they do not do so, their microchip will be used to monitor their presence and activity at all times.

The automated gates system that Leipzig encountered at the train station was largely replicated in his 15 Minute City. No one was allowed to leave the city without the approval of the authorities. The wristband and the microchip are used to ensure no one leaves the city without permission. There are checkpoints at various locations throughout the city where Infidels can check their carbon footprint.

Upon the conclusion of that brief induction program, Leipzig was escorted to his new residence, an apartment in a soulless apartment building that was largely indistinguishable from the buildings surrounding it.

It was emphasised to Dresden by his regime induction companion who accompanied him to his new residence that entry to the apartment was primarily controlled by the wristband / microchip and therefore the authorities.

Dresden was sufficiently intuitive to realise he did not get any input to that decision making, so he did not argue with his induction companion.

Now relocated to his 15 Minute City apartment Dresden reflected upon his journey there a little. He noticed the tedium and monotony of his neighbourhood was interrupted from time to time with billboards encouraging the inhabitants not to exceed their allocated carbon footprint. What he had seen of the city thus far seemed to be resplendent with surveillance cameras.

After he had been in his new residence for a while, Leipzig went for a walk. Upon reaching the downstairs common area of his building, Dresden encountered a fellow building occupant who had apparently done some grocery shopping. The neighbour commenced the conversation:

“Choice is a thing of the past in shops in this 15 Minute City. All stores have a maximum of three types of items from which to choose and the authorities are apparently in no hurry to restock empty shelves. It is correct to say you get used to it. It is not correct to say you learn to enjoy it. Enjoy what you can here. I am going to my apartment. Perhaps our paths may cross again in the future.

Dresden got the impression his new neighbour did not want to be seen dwelling on a conversation. Dresden thanked him for his information.

The Leipzig walk expanded from the downstairs common area of his building to the streets surrounding his new residence and Dresden happened upon one of the billboards encouraging the city inhabitants not to exceed their allocated carbon footprint. As he stood reading the sign, another city resident spoke to him:

“Seems you are new here. There is no apparent rationale behind how the carbon footprint rationing system works in this city. The regime is very good at making you lose carbon credits. Any possible ways to earn carbon credits or improve your carbon score are never revealed. The whole carbon footprint allowance is used to manipulate behaviour within the City. There is a carbon footprint checkpoint nearby, let us see how your status is fairing.”

The checkpoint to which he was referring was no more than 50 metres from the billboard where they were conversing.

His conversation partner then invited Dresden to scan his wristband.

Dresden acceded to the request and a number appeared on the small checkpoint screen.

His conversation partner continued:

“That reading will vary for no apparent rhyme or reason, even though you believe nothing has occurred in your life to alter your carbon footprint score.”

Anyway, I have to keep moving. I hope you found this information helpful.”

Leipzig thanked his conversation partner and they each went on their way.

Best Dresden return home, he thought. As he made his way home, he found himself reflecting upon the information provided by his conversation partner: Helpful information provided to reinforce that the regime wanted the inhabitants of the 15 Minute City to be helpless.

As Dresden turned off the footpath into the walkway to his residential complex, he noticed the billboard that was visible from that vantage point had changed its graphic to:

• Enjoy your 15 Minute City, Infidels. This is the life you wanted.

Detained In Malaysia

The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley

A politician known for his obstructive tactics and self-serving delays within the Australian government, Senator Appleby Chumley made headline political news of a different kind in Australia by getting himself detained in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. The news revealed Chumley was swiftly deemed a security threat by Malaysian authorities and listed for deportation.

The overwhelming response of the general public to that news was that they were not interested in it in the slightest. Politicians of all persuasions made some performative noise about it. There were a few sound bite responses to the media pack from some politicians, but most of them had better things with which to concern themselves.

Privately most politicians saw the Chumley predicament as a form of karmic justice, however the government publicly announced its deep concern and commitment to understanding the situation. To that end, "The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley" was promptly formed.

Committee Meets

Held a full month after the Malaysian detention of Senator Chumley, the first meeting of the Committee descended into a morass of procedural debate. The air in the committee room was thick with unspoken agendas and thinly veiled animosity. The selection of a chairperson was the first order of business and it immediately devolved into a parliamentary free-for-all.

A veteran known for his meticulous adherence to (and frequent weaponization of) standing orders, Senator Davies insisted on a secret ballot with multiple rounds of nominations, each requiring a seconder and a lengthy justification. Meanwhile, the recently appointed member Ms Chen was eager to assert her authority and argued vehemently for a rotating chair, based on alphabetical order of surname, a proposal that conveniently placed her early in the rotation.

The debate spiralled into discussions about:

• the definition of "suitably qualified";

• the historical precedents for chair selection in similar (though entirely dissimilar) committees; and

• the potential for conflicts of interest, real or imagined.

Hours ticked by, motions were proposed and immediately amended, and points of order were raised regarding the validity of previous points of order. The very notion of progress became a distant memory.

Languishing thousands of kilometres away, the Senator For Obstruction, Senator Chumley, remained a forgotten footnote in this self-important display of bureaucratic paralysis.

Meeting Two: The Program of Inquiry

Another month later and the reluctant appointment to Committee Chairman of a man whose primary ambition was to avoid making any actual decisions, Senator Peterson did little to inject momentum into the committee.

The focus shifted to the "Program of Inquiry," a seemingly innocuous agenda item that, pedant with a penchant for bureaucratic jargon, Mr Percival Pettifog seized upon with the zeal of a zealot finding a loophole. "Before we even consider the specifics of … the unfortunate sojourn of Senator Chumley," he declared, adjusting his spectacles with an air of profound intellectual rigour, "surely we must establish a robust epistemological framework for our investigation."

This led to a lengthy digression on the nature of evidence, the reliability of Malaysian sources, and the potential for cognitive bias within the committee itself. Mr Percival Pettifog then unveiled his initial lines of inquiry:

• a detailed analysis of publicly available flight manifests for the week of the arrival of Senator Chumley;

• a comparative study of Malaysian airport security protocols versus Australian standards (circa 1978); and

• a comprehensive survey of the dietary preferences of all personnel on duty at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on the day in question,

• cross-referenced with publicly available astrological charts.

The initial expressions of polite bewilderment from other Committee members soon morphed into thinly veiled exasperation, as Mr Percival Pettifog passionately defended the crucial relevance of each increasingly tangential avenue.

The Government Visits The Senator For Obstruction

Meanwhile, tasked with the purely symbolic gesture, a junior government representative visited the bewildered and increasingly frustrated Senator Chumley in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Mr Junior Government Representative delivered a carefully worded update on the "significant progress" being made by the Committee back in Australia. The Senator For Obstruction was assured that no stone will be left unturned (eventually).

Mr Junior Government Representative then returned to Australia with little to no new information. Importantly, he delivered a glowing report of the "compassionate and effective" intervention of the government.

Months of Meetings

The first scheduled public hearing of the Committee was predictably farcical. Mr Percival Pettifog managing to have himself double-booked on the date of that hearing meant the hearing needed to be adjourned. The flimsy, convoluted and unconvincing excuses proffered by Mr Percival Pettifog did nothing to quell the raw anger of the other Committee members. Of course, that meant Senator Chumley continued to remain in limbo in Malaysia.

Subsequent hearings were also repeatedly postponed due to "scheduling conflicts" and the need for "further preliminary inquiries." Bogging down the Committee in endless procedural debates, subcommittee formations, and the analysis of irrelevant data seemed to be the primary purpose of Mr Percival Pettifog. He could hardly be satisfied that the Committee produced nothing but voluminous minutes, filled with his increasingly outlandish proposals  and the exasperated sighs of his colleagues.

The subsequent months unfolded in a predictable cycle of unproductive meetings. Mr Percival Pettifog proved tireless in his pursuit of the irrelevant. One meeting was entirely devoted to debating the appropriate font and margin size for their interim report on meteorological data. Another saw the formation of a subcommittee (spearheaded by Mr Percival Pettifog) dedicated to analysing the precise shade of blue used on the Kuala Lumpur airport signage. This subcommittee met weekly, poring over photographs and Pantone charts, while the core issue of the Senator Chumley Malaysian detention remained unaddressed.

Proposals for actual fact-finding missions to Malaysia were invariably bogged down in discussions about travel budgets, diplomatic protocols, and the potential for "cultural insensitivity." The exasperated sighs of Senator Davies, the eye-rolls of Ms Chen, and the general air of weary resignation that permeated the Committee room became the defining characteristics of these protracted and pointless gatherings. Meticulously recording every procedural squabble and tangential debate, the voluminous minutes grew ever thicker, a testament to the remarkable ability of the Committee to achieve absolutely nothing.

As the inaction of the Committee became apparent, the public and media were losing interest in the Senator Chumley situation. Whatever outrage may have initially existed, had now given way to cynicism and apathy.

Federal Election Approaching

The detention of the Senator For Obstruction occurred 18 months prior to the scheduled next federal election and that election was now approaching. The political fortunes of Senator Chumley were declining both at home and abroad. There was no mood to re-elect the Senator For Obstruction and leaks of internal party discussions revealed pretty much everyone wanted to forget about him.

The outcome of the federal election produced an unsurprising result and lead to a change in government. The new government had no vested interest in the performative exercises of the previous administration and promptly after assuming power, it announced the disbandment of The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley. Upon hearing the news of the disbandment, the Committee members expressed relief that they could turn their attention to more useful purposes.

A couple of months after the federal election, Mr Junior Government Representative made a second and less publicised trip to Senator Appleby Chumley in his Kuala Lumpur detention. Mr Junior Government Representative informed Chumley of the relevant Australian news:

• Chumley was not re-elected and was now a private citizen.

• With the change in government, The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley was disbanded.

Mr Junior Government Representative further explained that ex-Senator Chumley would now need to deal directly with the Malaysian authorities regarding his continued detention and potential deportation. Those dealings would no longer enjoy the backing or assistance of the Australian government or its now defunct Committee.

Having discharged his duty of informing Senator Appleby Chumley of the relevant Australian news, Mr Junior Government Representative then departed Malaysia for Australia. That left Senator Appleby Chumley alone to contemplate his new reality. The silence of that contemplation in Malaysian detention was punctuated by the faint strains of a tinny radio playing the 1973 song by The Who, "The Real Me":

"... Can you see the real me?

Can ya?

Can ya? ..."

As the Senator For Obstruction was returned to his jail cell in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, the accompanying prison guard spoke to him:

“I have a message for you from a Miss Julie London. She said she would Cry You a River.”