Agent Itchy Becomes a British Asset
The MI6 Boss gathered the Stuffy Shirts in his office for another closed door meeting.
The Boss: Ladies, this is a privilege for you. But one you have earned. You absolutely must be on your best behaviour during this telephone call. I cannot tell you that enough.
The secretary to the Boss then buzzed him: “They are ready for you on the call now, Sir.”
Boss: Thank you.
“My East German friend, Your trigger happy Agent Itchy, the one who wanted to shoot my Agent Nicky Parsons, has told us in discussions over his visa irregularities that he is prepared to remain in London and not return to East Germany, until the three (3) missing British nationals currently residing in East Berlin, who have been the subject of considerable diplomatic friction, are safely returned to Britain.
That is quite an offer from your Agent Itchy and something of an act of redemption on his part for wanting to shoot my Agent Parsons."
The Stuffy Shirts looked at each other in shocked silence.
"We get our three (3) missing British nationals back and you get back your trigger happy agent who wanted to shoot my Agent Parsons.
Your Agent Itchy wanted to shoot my Agent Parsons. You expect me to have a sense of humour about it? The Iron Curtain must block the flow of commonsense and reality.
Are you sure you want to leave the hapless Agent Itchy with us? Agent Parsons showed you what happens to Iron Curtain agents who outstay their utility for us.
So, you now need some time to think about our offer.
Provisionally this call will continue at 10:00 am tomorrow.
Feel free to contact me earlier to tell me you accept our offer.
Enjoy your day.”
The Boss then spoke to the Stuffy Shirts, who were more than a little shocked by what they just heard.
“You are rather naughty at times, Agent Parsons. But undeniably you are a pragmatic operator. You are not the only one who can be an uncomfortably pragmatic operator.
It is not my usual practice to burn Iron Curtain Agents like Itchy, but he did want to shoot Agent Parsons. Those three (3) British nationals deserve to come home, and if I have to burn Agent Itchy to bring them home, then for Queen and Country, I will burn him.
Agent Parsons, It seems this would not have been possible with you being Agent Parsons.
You ladies do not need to say anything at the moment. It looks like we will be back here again at 10:00 am tomorrow.
This might also be a good time for you three ladies to go for one of your walks in the park or maybe have tea and muffins in a cafeteria quite away from the MI6 building to digest these events.
Agent Parsons: Tea and muffins is a good idea, Sir.
Agent Emily: I know a place where we can go.
Boss: Take your time, ladies. And feel free to telephone my secretary if your digestion of events becomes protracted, so you can keep abreast of any possible developments.
Digestion Cafeteria
The route to the Emily cafeteria took the Stuffy Shirts through a park, so a conversation opportunity presented itself.
Harriet: That was unexpected.
Emily: Every part of that was unexpected. He may be the boss of MI6 and have seen a lot of movies, but I never expected to see him in that movie.
The agents arrived at the Emily cafeteria and paused their conversation while they took their seats in a booth at the back of the cafeteria and placed their orders.
Parsons: Considerate of Agent Itchy to remain in London and not return to East Germany, until the three (3) missing British nationals are safely returned to Britain.
Harriet: It was quite the stroke of luck Agent Itchy had visa irregularities that enabled you to have discussions with him, Agent Parsons.
Emily: Visa irregularities that apparently arose after he manifested his desire to shoot you, Agent Parsons.
Parsons: Surely you are overlooking the enormous humanitarian act on his part to facilitate the return of the three (3) British nationals.
Emily: Is Itchy likely to assist in further missions, if the British nationals are not returned?
Parsons: I am sure he would want to see no repeat of someone wanting to shoot me, so he may very well assist as a shield on a mission in the future.
Harriet: That is a humanitarian act on his part I can endorse.
Parsons: A way of showing his gratitude for British hospitality.
Emily: Apparently the East Germans did not properly screen their negotiation team before sending them to Britain. It was terribly careless of them to send someone with visa irregularities.
Harriet temporarily left the booth and the Stuffy Shirts and approached the cafeteria staff.
“Might I please use your telephone? I have to make a call and it is one I would rather everyone were not able to hear”
Cafeteria Staff Member: "Certainly. We have a telephone that can stretch to your booth. There is hardly anyone in the cafeteria, so the unwanted ears should be a lot less of a problem.
You return to your booth and I will bring the telephone over to you."
Harriet: Thank you. I am very grateful to you.
Not three (3) minutes later Harriet was telephoning the Boss from the cafeteria.
Harriet: Miss Secretary, Might I please speak with the Boss about the proceedings this morning?
Secretary: Wait on. I will see if he is available. He said He is happy to speak with you. I will put you through to him.
Harriet: “Sir, Thank you for speaking with me. So that I may assist you with any possible intelligence I might have or come across that could be useful in relation to this matter, I would like to clarify the parameters within which we are working.
The East Germans sent an agent to London who was going to poison our water system, but his own negligence and stupidity lead to his capture by us before he got anywhere near completing his mission.
As part of their negotiations team to try to return Agent Water Poisoner to East Germany, the East Germans included an agent who wanted to shoot our Agent Parsons during those negotiations. And we now have the trigger happy Agent Itchy in custody as well, due to his visa irregularities.
Against that background, the East Germans are baulking at returning to Britain three (3) British nationals who are currently residing in East Germany.”
Boss: An accurate and succinctly articulated assessment there, Agent Harriet.
Harriet: Thank you, Sir. I will turn my mind to any intelligence I might have seen that is relevant here.
Boss: Thank you, Agent Harriet. Enjoy your digestion time. There is no need for you Stuffy Shirts to hurry back.
As soon as the telephone call ended, Harriet returned the telephone to the cafeteria staff.
Harriet: Thank you, again.
Cafeteria Staff: It is no trouble. Would you like more tea?
Harriet: Yes, please. Another pot of tea would be lovely.
I will take care of that tea while I am here.
When the cafeteria staff saw the tip from Harriet she said: “That is very generous of you, Miss. Thank you. I will bring your pot of tea over to you shortly.”
Harriet then returned to the booth and the Stuffy Shirts.
Emily: That had almost nothing to do with the intelligence on your desk. But it certainly confirmed to the boss you supported what he was doing. Well done.
Harriet: The Boss said “Enjoy your digestion time. There is no need for you Stuffy Shirts to hurry back.”
Nicky: I will get us some lunch menus.
When Nicky returned with the lunch menus she asked Harriet: “Is that gambling den in Soho still funding the East Germans?”
Harriet: Yes.
Emily: No way.
Parsons: Lunch or Soho?
Emily: Soho.
Harriet: Soho. I will make sure Agent Itchy is available to accompany us to Soho.
Parsons: I will call M1 and M2 and inform them The Famous Five is going to Soho.
Emily: I will take care of the tea etc with the cafeteria staff.
The cafeteria allowed Harriet to again use the telephone. This time the call was made from the front counter. The call was short; “Have my friend you are holding available for us to collect within half an hour. This is not a time to argue with me.”
Harriet thanked the cafeteria staff again.
When Nicky Parsons returned she said M1 and M2 would collect them from outside the cafeteria in 10 minutes.
Harriet said she was assured Agent Itchy would be available for them to collect with half an hour.
Emily: I have taken care of the bill.
Parsons: Then we should wait outside for M1 and M2.
The Stuffy Shirts each thanked the cafeteria staff for their hospitality.
Soho Raid
M1 and M2 arrived promptly and The Famous Five then proceeded to collect Agent Itchy.
Six (6) adults in the MI6 vehicle was a cosy fit, but not one that worried the MI6 agents.
Agent Parsons then spoke to Agent Itchy: It seems you like to gamble Itchy, so we are taking you to Soho. You may even know some of the people there.”
Handcuffed Itchy had no idea what was going on.
None of The Famous Five thought he needed to know any more than he had been told.
When they arrived at the Soho gambling den, Itchy watched The Famous Five put on protection jackets. Itchy did not like what he was seeing.
Nicky Parsons grabbed Itchy by the arm and said “You are coming with me, Itchy”.
Instructions from Agent Parsons were brief: M1 and Agent Emily will cover the back entrance. M2, Agent Harriet, Itchy and I will take the front entrance. Let’s go.
Agent Parsons had one arm of Itchy and M2 had the other. They were pulling him to the front door of the gambling den.
When they arrived at the front door, Nicky put Itchy directly in front of her. She banged on the front door and yelled “ I have got your guy and I am bringing him to you”.
They then broke through the front door, using Agent Itchy a a shield.
The mission proceeded as Agent Parsons anticipated. The gambling den occupants greeted them with gunfire, most of which was caught by Agent Itchy.
Agents Emily and M1 breached the back entrance and the MI6 team quickly had the gambling den crew subdued and handcuffed. Emily was on telephone duties and called the situation in to MI6. A clean up crew was there within 15 minutes.
Agent Parsons explained that there was no need to take the now deceased Agent Itchy with the clean up crew, she had her own plans for him.
In and out within 45 minutes. Clean and efficient work from The Famous Five and MI6.
East German Embassy
Agent Parsons then declared: “We are now off to the East German Embassy. M1 and M2 can sort out who is driving.”
The agents then bundled the deceased Agent Itchy into the back of the MI6 motor vehicle and they proceeded to the East German Embassy.
When they arrived, they parked right at the front gates. Agent Itchy was removed from the MI6 vehicle and placed on the ground in front of the gates.
Nicky Parsons spoke to the Embassy staff that greeted them:
“Send the Guy out here immediately and do not make me wait.”
The shocked Embassy staff immediately went inside the Embassy and returned with The Ambassador.
Agent Parsons: “This is your guy, Agent Itchy. He wanted to shoot me, during a negotiation, no less. He has just helped us on a successful mission. We want the three (3) British nationals you have in East Germany returned to us. This is no longer a negotiation.
We will wait here while you go inside and make the telephone call that guarantees the return of the three (3) British nationals. Then you can have what is left of Agent Itchy and do with him what you like. Have I made myself clear?”
An initially speechless Ambassador said: I will be back shortly.
Parsons: Do not make me wait.
10 minutes later the Ambassador returned.
Parsons: You took your time.
Ambassador: Settle down. I know about the telephone call this morning. Your offer will be accepted. The three (3) British nationals will be returned to Britain, unharmed.
Parsons: You better not be lying to me.
Ambassador: Things did not go so well for Agent Itchy. This mess needs to end.
Parsons: I will take you at your word. I will leave you to deal with Agent Itchy.
Ambassador: “Your boss told me to tell you, there is no need to call him about this escapade. He knows about it and is not surprised by it.
The things you people do for Queen and country.”
No comments:
Post a Comment