Detained In Malaysia

The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley

A politician known for his obstructive tactics and self-serving delays within the Australian government, Senator Appleby Chumley made headline political news of a different kind in Australia by getting himself detained in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. The news revealed Chumley was swiftly deemed a security threat by Malaysian authorities and listed for deportation.

The overwhelming response of the general public to that news was that they were not interested in it in the slightest. Politicians of all persuasions made some performative noise about it. There were a few sound bite responses to the media pack from some politicians, but most of them had better things with which to concern themselves.

Privately most politicians saw the Chumley predicament as a form of karmic justice, however the government publicly announced its deep concern and commitment to understanding the situation. To that end, "The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley" was promptly formed.

Committee Meets

Held a full month after the Malaysian detention of Senator Chumley, the first meeting of the Committee descended into a morass of procedural debate. The air in the committee room was thick with unspoken agendas and thinly veiled animosity. The selection of a chairperson was the first order of business and it immediately devolved into a parliamentary free-for-all.

A veteran known for his meticulous adherence to (and frequent weaponization of) standing orders, Senator Davies insisted on a secret ballot with multiple rounds of nominations, each requiring a seconder and a lengthy justification. Meanwhile, the recently appointed member Ms Chen was eager to assert her authority and argued vehemently for a rotating chair, based on alphabetical order of surname, a proposal that conveniently placed her early in the rotation.

The debate spiralled into discussions about:

• the definition of "suitably qualified";

• the historical precedents for chair selection in similar (though entirely dissimilar) committees; and

• the potential for conflicts of interest, real or imagined.

Hours ticked by, motions were proposed and immediately amended, and points of order were raised regarding the validity of previous points of order. The very notion of progress became a distant memory.

Languishing thousands of kilometres away, the Senator For Obstruction, Senator Chumley, remained a forgotten footnote in this self-important display of bureaucratic paralysis.

Meeting Two: The Program of Inquiry

Another month later and the reluctant appointment to Committee Chairman of a man whose primary ambition was to avoid making any actual decisions, Senator Peterson did little to inject momentum into the committee.

The focus shifted to the "Program of Inquiry," a seemingly innocuous agenda item that, pedant with a penchant for bureaucratic jargon, Mr Percival Pettifog seized upon with the zeal of a zealot finding a loophole. "Before we even consider the specifics of … the unfortunate sojourn of Senator Chumley," he declared, adjusting his spectacles with an air of profound intellectual rigour, "surely we must establish a robust epistemological framework for our investigation."

This led to a lengthy digression on the nature of evidence, the reliability of Malaysian sources, and the potential for cognitive bias within the committee itself. Mr Percival Pettifog then unveiled his initial lines of inquiry:

• a detailed analysis of publicly available flight manifests for the week of the arrival of Senator Chumley;

• a comparative study of Malaysian airport security protocols versus Australian standards (circa 1978); and

• a comprehensive survey of the dietary preferences of all personnel on duty at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on the day in question,

• cross-referenced with publicly available astrological charts.

The initial expressions of polite bewilderment from other Committee members soon morphed into thinly veiled exasperation, as Mr Percival Pettifog passionately defended the crucial relevance of each increasingly tangential avenue.

The Government Visits The Senator For Obstruction

Meanwhile, tasked with the purely symbolic gesture, a junior government representative visited the bewildered and increasingly frustrated Senator Chumley in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Mr Junior Government Representative delivered a carefully worded update on the "significant progress" being made by the Committee back in Australia. The Senator For Obstruction was assured that no stone will be left unturned (eventually).

Mr Junior Government Representative then returned to Australia with little to no new information. Importantly, he delivered a glowing report of the "compassionate and effective" intervention of the government.

Months of Meetings

The first scheduled public hearing of the Committee was predictably farcical. Mr Percival Pettifog managing to have himself double-booked on the date of that hearing meant the hearing needed to be adjourned. The flimsy, convoluted and unconvincing excuses proffered by Mr Percival Pettifog did nothing to quell the raw anger of the other Committee members. Of course, that meant Senator Chumley continued to remain in limbo in Malaysia.

Subsequent hearings were also repeatedly postponed due to "scheduling conflicts" and the need for "further preliminary inquiries." Bogging down the Committee in endless procedural debates, subcommittee formations, and the analysis of irrelevant data seemed to be the primary purpose of Mr Percival Pettifog. He could hardly be satisfied that the Committee produced nothing but voluminous minutes, filled with his increasingly outlandish proposals  and the exasperated sighs of his colleagues.

The subsequent months unfolded in a predictable cycle of unproductive meetings. Mr Percival Pettifog proved tireless in his pursuit of the irrelevant. One meeting was entirely devoted to debating the appropriate font and margin size for their interim report on meteorological data. Another saw the formation of a subcommittee (spearheaded by Mr Percival Pettifog) dedicated to analysing the precise shade of blue used on the Kuala Lumpur airport signage. This subcommittee met weekly, poring over photographs and Pantone charts, while the core issue of the Senator Chumley Malaysian detention remained unaddressed.

Proposals for actual fact-finding missions to Malaysia were invariably bogged down in discussions about travel budgets, diplomatic protocols, and the potential for "cultural insensitivity." The exasperated sighs of Senator Davies, the eye-rolls of Ms Chen, and the general air of weary resignation that permeated the Committee room became the defining characteristics of these protracted and pointless gatherings. Meticulously recording every procedural squabble and tangential debate, the voluminous minutes grew ever thicker, a testament to the remarkable ability of the Committee to achieve absolutely nothing.

As the inaction of the Committee became apparent, the public and media were losing interest in the Senator Chumley situation. Whatever outrage may have initially existed, had now given way to cynicism and apathy.

Federal Election Approaching

The detention of the Senator For Obstruction occurred 18 months prior to the scheduled next federal election and that election was now approaching. The political fortunes of Senator Chumley were declining both at home and abroad. There was no mood to re-elect the Senator For Obstruction and leaks of internal party discussions revealed pretty much everyone wanted to forget about him.

The outcome of the federal election produced an unsurprising result and lead to a change in government. The new government had no vested interest in the performative exercises of the previous administration and promptly after assuming power, it announced the disbandment of The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley. Upon hearing the news of the disbandment, the Committee members expressed relief that they could turn their attention to more useful purposes.

A couple of months after the federal election, Mr Junior Government Representative made a second and less publicised trip to Senator Appleby Chumley in his Kuala Lumpur detention. Mr Junior Government Representative informed Chumley of the relevant Australian news:

• Chumley was not re-elected and was now a private citizen.

• With the change in government, The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley was disbanded.

Mr Junior Government Representative further explained that ex-Senator Chumley would now need to deal directly with the Malaysian authorities regarding his continued detention and potential deportation. Those dealings would no longer enjoy the backing or assistance of the Australian government or its now defunct Committee.

Having discharged his duty of informing Senator Appleby Chumley of the relevant Australian news, Mr Junior Government Representative then departed Malaysia for Australia. That left Senator Appleby Chumley alone to contemplate his new reality. The silence of that contemplation in Malaysian detention was punctuated by the faint strains of a tinny radio playing the 1973 song by The Who, "The Real Me":

"... Can you see the real me?

Can ya?

Can ya? ..."

As the Senator For Obstruction was returned to his jail cell in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, the accompanying prison guard spoke to him:

“I have a message for you from a Miss Julie London. She said she would Cry You a River.”