M2 Goes Buck Wild

 It was an unusual Intelligence Briefing from Agent Harriet, but it was no less significant than her other style and type of briefing.

Agent Harriet: “There are very scant reports of a serious Iron Curtain assassin relocating to London. If they are true, MI6 is very interested in taking him out.”

The MI6 agents in attendance at the briefing were given a Briefing Folder. That part of the briefing was normal practice.

M2 was in attendance at the briefing and took a Briefing Folder to read. When he returned to his office, he read the folder contents and looked at the photographs. Something about this struck him, but he could not identify what it was. He read the folder contents several times over the ensuing days. There was something about the photographs, also.

M2 said nothing to anyone about this. He kept his thoughts to himself.

One night not too long after the Intelligence Briefing M2 found himself catching a later train than usual home. It was an unremarkable journey until the train approached Modalvale Train Station. He saw a female from another agency, whom he had met once or twice previously, but whose identifying details escaped him, getting rather cosy with a male.

They both walked across the road from the train station to an apartment above the small fruit shop. As fate would have it, technical difficulties meant the M2 train was delayed at the station longer than usual. M2 maintained his interest in the female he thought was familiar to him and her male companion. Shortly before the train left the station to continue its journey, the female and her male companion appeared visible in the apartment. The male turned to face the train station and M2 got a glimpse of him. Immediately, M2 got flashes of the photographs from the Agent Harriet Intelligence Briefing. He was the guy the subject of the Intelligence Briefing, M2 thought.

Home was not far away for M2. When he arrived home, he put down some things he did not want to take with him and returned to the train station. He caught the next train to Modalvale station. M2 then looked around the precincts of Modalvale train station. He noticed across the road from the fruit shop (the other side of the train tracks) was what appeared to be a vacant building. There was an elevated vacancy at the level or just above of the apartment where his female colleague and her friend seemed to be staying. It was a little off centre from that apartment, but it still had good vision. It was an otherwise small and quiet train station.

M2 got a bit of a sense of the immediate area, then went home.

When he attended work the next day, M2 maintained his silence about what he thought he saw. He read the Intelligence Briefing Folder contents again and spent some time looking at the photographs.

His interest in the apparently vacant property adjacent to the Modalvale train station continued. When his train home that evening stopped at the Modalvale train station, M2 focussed his attention on the apparently vacant property. It continued to appear vacant.

As his train to work the next morning was pulling away from Modalvale train station, he was sure he saw his colleague with her cosy companion enter the station platform. Unfortunately all these moments were fleeting glimpses and not something solid upon which he could be certain of what he believed he saw.

Firearm Training

When M2 arrived at work, he made some enquiries about his firearm training. As he suspected, it had been a while since he had been to the MI6 shooting range for firearms training. M2 had a conversation with Agent Harriet about attending the range and undergoing firearms training. He said his desk was light on missions work and this was a useful and necessary way to spend his time. Agent Harriet agreed and arrangements were made for M2 to immediately attend the MI6 shooting range.

Upon arriving at the range, M2 did some handgun training, but he told those in charge at the range that it was sniper training that he thought should be the focus of his attention. No one else was using the sniper facilities, so M2 was easy to accommodate.

M2 was focussed and his session was long. Twice in three days M2 had long sessions at the MI6 shooting range working on his sniper skills. He knew how important it was that he not miss.

During his commute home on that second day of sniper training, M2 was sure he saw the cosy couple again at Modalvale train station and even though his vision of them was fleeting, his plan was solidified.

At work the next day M2 called in to the firearms area of MI6. He was reasonably friendly with one of the staff there and he asked if he might take a sniper suitcase with him, so he could work on his sniper training. His colleague said it was a quiet period, so that should not be a problem.

The Stakeout

With the sniper suitcase now in his possession, M2 made his way to the Modalvale train station precincts and gained access to the vacant premises he had been checking out. The elevation was good and so was the vision, except for when a train was at the station.

M2 had clearly done some preparation for his stakeout. He brought food supplies with him and a sleeping bag. Importantly he set up the sniper rifle and focussed it on the apartment above the small fruit shop across the road. He even brought a radio with him, to keep him company.

That evening the cozy couple made their way to the apartment after work for the day had ended. M2 had good vision of the male, through the sniper rifle sight. But a train interrupted his vision and when the train departed, his male target was no longer in sight.

Even though his sighting was fleeting, M2 was certain he was watching the Iron Curtain assassin the subject of the Agent Harriet Intelligence Briefing.

There were no more sightings that day. The next day M2 saw a different male attend the apartment from the train station. He also jogged the Harriet Intelligence Briefing memory of M2, albeit from an earlier occasion. There was some bad Iron Curtain fruit gathering above the Modalvale fruit shop. 

For three days M2 staked out the apartment above the fruit shop.

The first day of the apparent absence from MI6 was explained by his colleagues as due to firearms training. The second day he was assumed to be away ill. By the third day, his absence was the subject of some discussion. No one knew where he was or where to look for him. He was not answering his telephone at home.

By lunch time on day three of the M2 stakeout, activity at the apartment had escalated. M2 could clearly see he was correct about the male getting cozy with his female colleague. He was the Iron Curtain assassin the subject of the Agent Harriet Intelligence Briefing. M2 just needed a clean shot at him now.

Things got even more interesting when M2 realised that assassin was also hosting another Iron Curtain assassin.

M2 was focussed and waiting for a clean shot opportunity to arise. Luck was with M2. Both Iron Curtain assassins turned to walk towards the open window. M2 had a clean shot opportunity at each of the men.

His primary target was the assassin the subject of the Harriet Intelligence Briefing. M2 did not wait.

With his target clearly in his sniper rifle sight, M2 said: “For Queen and Country” and put two (2) rounds in his forehead.

Before Target 1 hit the floor, Target 2, the other Iron Curtain assassin, had two (2) rounds put in his forehead by M2 and quickly joined Target 1 on the floor.

M2 then went about packing up his sniper rifle kit and then packing up his stakeout site. That was more important than calling in the situation.

Once M2 was packed up, he made his way to the public telephone at the Modalvale train station and telephoned Agent Harriet.

M2: Agent Harriet, Can you organise a clean up team to be sent to the apartment above the fruit shop across the road from Modalvale train station, please.

By the way, the Iron Curtain assassin the subject of your recent Intelligence Briefing will no longer be a problem. A colleague of his will also no longer be troubling us.

I am not sure how long that takes to organise, but there seems to be a female from another one of our agencies who is (or was) apparently involved with your now late Iron Curtain friend and she definitely seems to be worthy of a candid discussion.

I am at the Modalvale train station. I will wait until you guys arrive.

Agent Harriet: I will take care of it for you.

The call then ended.

The Famous Five Go To Modalvale Train Station

Agent Harriet then telephoned Nicky Parsons: Come and see me, now. Do not delay.

Agent Harriet then made arrangements for a clean up team to attend, as M2 requested.

5 minutes later Nicky Parsons was in the office of Harriet.

Harriet closed the door.

Harriet: M2 has been located. It seems he was working. He just asked for a clean up team to attend near Modalvale train station. Apparently the situation is not completed. There is a female part of the puzzle who is unlikely to know of the news and has yet to be located. It is probably a good idea to get Emily and M1 and go to the Modalvale train station. I am confident I do not need to do any more organising here, so I can accompany you, if you consider it appropriate.

Parsons: I will get Emily and M1 and we can all catch a train to Modalvale. We will be back to collect you shortly.

Before Harriet, Nicky, Emily and M1 left for the train station, Harriet said: “It is sufficient for present purposes to say, there is a situation in the vicinity of Modalvale train station. When we arrive there, M2 can expand upon the details.”

As Harriet foreshadowed, when The Famous Five gathered at Modalvale train station, a relaxed and calm M2 found a spot away from unnecessary ears and explained what had transpired. More correctly, he told them enough of what transpired for them to be informed. He may not have told them everything.

The MI6 clean up team had been and gone from the apartment where the situation occurred. The Famous Five were now potentially waiting for the female involved to arrive either at the station or the apartment. With the explanation of M2 now complete, the agents positioned themselves so they could monitor both the train (and passengers) arrival and departure and the apartment.

After about an hour, M2 told his colleagues the female in question had just alighted from a train and he identified her.

Nicky Parsons: I think I know her. I will go and introduce myself to her.

Emily: The rest of us will wait here for you.

Liaising with The Liaison Officer

Agent Parsons approached the subject female as she was making her way to the exit of the train station:

“Contessa Fortescue, I have not seen you for ages.”

Contessa: Agent Parsons from MI6?

Parsons: Correct

Contessa: What brings you to this part of town?

Parsons: You. We are going to walk over to my colleagues and then we are going to have a chat. This is not a time for you to argue or be heroic.

Contessa: What is this about?

Parsons: We can chat when we get to my colleagues.

Contessa complied with the request of agent Parsons and they walked over to the rest of The Famous Five.

When they arrived, agent Parsons asked Contessa: Can you clarify something for me. You are employed as a mid-level liaison officer between the government and MI6?

Contessa: Yes.

Parsons: Please wait here with my colleagues. I have to make a telephone call.

Agent Parsons then proceeded to the public telephone and called the secretary to the Boss.

“Hello, Miss Secretary.”

Secretary: Hello, Agent Parsons

Parsons: I need to speak to the Boss about a sensitive issue. The kind where we do not want unnecessary ears.

Secretary: Wait on. I will let him know.

He is waiting to speak with you. I will put you through.

Parsons: Hello, Sir. There is a sensitive situation at Modalvale train station. I am sure we could find a park nearby to discuss it.

Boss: A park, Agent Parsons?

Parsons: One with very few ears. Near Modalvale train station, which is where I am now.

Boss: A park, Agent Parsons?

Parsons: Definitely a park, Sir, and only your lovely secretary needs to know you are coming here. If you take the train, Sir, you will not have to trouble yourself with the complications of a driver and a motor vehicle. It is a short train ride.

Boss: I will be at the Modalvale train station as soon as I can.

Parsons: Thank you, Sir.

The call ended and Agent Parsons returned to her colleagues and Contessa Fortescue.

Parsons: Interesting choice of yours for a boyfriend, Contessa. An Iron Curtain assassin and a brutal one, at that.

Emily: A mid-level liaison officer between the government and MI6 with a brutal Iron Curtain assassin for a boyfriend. That is not complicated at all.

M2: Perhaps more than one.

Emily: Oh, this keeps getting better.

Harriet: I really want to see the paperwork where the government has approved a mid-level liaison officer between the government and MI6 having a brutal Iron Curtain assassin for a boyfriend.

M1: More than one brutal Iron Curtain assassin for a boyfriend. Clearly you like to live dangerously.

Meanwhile Agent Parsons was talking to M2.: Is there a park nearby this train station?

M2: Yes. There is a cricket field one street over.

Parsons: Wonderfully helpful of Modalvale.

The Boss Joins The Liaison with The Liaison Officer

The Boss arrived shortly thereafter.

Agent Parsons walked over to greet him.

After the exchange of greetings, Agent Parsons said: M2 tells me there is a cricket field one street over. That provisionally seems a better venue to discuss a mid-level liaison officer between the government and MI6 having a brutal Iron Curtain assassin for a boyfriend.

Boss: Have you thought of improving the quality of your friends, Agent Parsons?

Parsons: This job certainly attracts a lot of undesirables, Sir. Let us all adjourn to the nearby cricket field.

When the Boss joined the group he said to M2: Suburban tour guide was not a talent I was aware you possessed, M2.

M2: Today you get to see it first hand, Sir.

M2 then lead his colleagues and their guest to the nearby cricket field, which was populated only by a few birds.

Boss: Miss Fortescue, I was not aware you had such a creative interest in international relations.

Agent Parsons: Where are my manners? Contessa Fortescue, mid-level liaison officer between the government and MI6, please meet the Boss of MI6. It is easier if you address him as Sir.

Contessa: What is going on here?

Boss: Miss Fortescue, It seems you have made my job, all of our jobs, rather complicated.

Please explain to me how a mid-level liaison officer between the government and MI6 could possibly be unaware her boyfriend was a brutal Iron Curtain assassin.

M2: In order to assist you in your deliberations, Miss, I can assure you that there are no circumstances where your assassin boyfriend is going to save you.

Boss: We also have to work out what to do with you. One option is very attractive, but it does not help us identify the extent of the damage you have caused.

Harriet: Start talking, Miss Fortescue. That means not lying.

Boss: You are not returning to your job until this is sorted out. That may mean you spend some time in MI6 custody.

Contessa: He is not my boyfriend.

M2: I routinely get that cozy with women who are not my girlfriend.

Harriet: This is not going well for you, Miss.

Boss: Your Boss is not going to enjoy me telling him I will have to do an investigation of his entire office to determine the extent of the breach and compromise you have caused.

Parsons: Contessa, I can assure you Agent Harriet is not looking for her purse.

Boss: I had hoped you were just a silly, love struck fool. It seems you were in for the full pound, not just a penny. You can expect to be charged with everything we can throw at you and your future will involve a long period in custody.

You can console yourself with the fact, if you were at your apartment earlier this afternoon, you would not be alive now to have this conversation.

Boss: I have seen and heard enough. We can now return to the office. I have some bad news to deliver to the boss of our traitor colleague.

Opening The Gates of Hell

 East German Prospective Water Poisoner

Agent Parsons made another visit to the custody location holding the East German prospective Water Poisoner.

“Time is running out fast for you Mr Iron Curtain Bad Guy.

This is your colleague Agent Itchy. (Agent Parsons showed the East German prospective water poisoner a number of photographs.)

He was present during the negotiations meeting requested by the East Germans to try to get you returned to East Germany. I have already told you, I think they want to kill you, not return you to East Germany.

Your cretinous colleague gave me the impression he wanted to shoot me during that negotiations meeting. Subsequently the airport authorities held Agent Itchy on “visa irregularities” and he missed his plane back to East Germany. It then became necessary to hold him for much longer.

The good news for him is that he was an integral part of a successful raid on a gambling den that funds your East German colleagues. The bad news for him was that he was used as a human shield, so we could gain access to the premises and he wore most of the gunfire from the gambling den bad guys. As you can see, he did not survive that expedition to the gambling den.

His utility to us continued as we then deposited him at the gates of the East German Embassy in London. He enabled me to have a conversation with The Ambassador. Turns out The Ambassador was a sensible man. He understood the importance of returning to Britain, unharmed, the three (3) missing British nationals currently residing in East Berlin.

Those three (3) missing British nationals have now been returned to Britain, unharmed.

The significance of that information for you is that we no longer need you to achieve our goal of the return of the three (3) missing British nationals.

Your utility now will be the prompt provision of the following information:

• All the details about your plans to poison our water supply; and

• The details of your new East German listening post near our UK naval base in Portsmouth.

If you choose not to promptly provide that information to us, then expect your future to be similar to that of you colleague Agent Itchy. Should there be any ambiguity in your understanding of your prospective future, let me help you out. I will use you as a human shield in one of our missions and your prospects of surviving that exercise are zero.

I previously made it very clear to you:

“You are a short-tempered and impatient fool, who allowed himself to get so agitated over a jazz record, you blew your cover and gave us the opportunity to capture you. You are not a clever man.

We want the information from you and if you are not going to cooperate with us, I can assure you, I have other very unpleasant plans for you.”

Try your luck with me, Mr Water Poisoner. Complain to The Ambassador about how I am treating you. Gamble that I am wrong about the people who you think will help you, that they do not want to kill you.

If they kill you, they will save me the time and trouble.

Provide us with the information we want by 4:00 pm tomorrow or you will be another Agent Itchy. I can assure you it will not take me long to organise a raid where you will be the bait and the human shield. There are far too many of you Iron Curtain trouble makers in London and the United Kingdom.

You have had plenty of time to provide us with the information we want. 4:00 pm tomorrow or the gates of hell are going to open for you.”

Agent Parsons then collected the photographs and  left the interview room. She then left the premises and went home.

The Famous Five Team Meeting

Immediately upon arriving at work the following day, Agent Parsons went to the respective offices of all the other Famous Five members and said there was a team meeting in her office, now. No one was doing anything that warranted delaying the team meeting.

Once all five (5) agents were in her office, Agent Parsons informed the team that the previous day she made another visit to the custody location holding the East German prospective Water Poisoner and had a conversation with him. The kind of conversation where she did the talking and he did the listening.

Agent Parsons: I gave the prospective water poisoner until 4:00 pm today to provide us with the information we want, namely:

• All the details about his plans to poison our water supply; and

• The details of the new East German listening post near our UK naval base in Portsmouth.

I made it clear to him, provide us the information we want by 4:00 pm today or the gates of hell are going to open for him.

I also told him about Agent Itchy, to help focus his thoughts.

That is the relevant background for this meeting and my request of Harriet:

• Are there any locations or venues currently in play, like the Soho gambling den that recently enjoyed the pleasure of our company, that would benefit from a similar visit by our water poisoner friend?

I am aware that some venues are considered too dangerous because we are likely to lose agents in the process of undertaking the raid.

We now have a shield. So let us use him and shut down at least one of these problematic venues. I say this to you in the expectation that our East German friend will not provide us with the information we want. So we will waste no further resources on him and put him to use to attempt to solve another problem.

Harriet: There is The Cultural Exchange Bookstore in Bloomsbury. Our intelligence says that it has a Reading Room at the back of the store, that also seems to operate as a meeting place for East German sympathisers. Details of the frequency of the meetings are so scant as to be unreliable. You could do a raid and get nothing or you could do a raid and hit the jackpot with a meeting of sympathisers underway.

Our intelligence also says some of the people who meet there are of the crazy kind. Nicky had a trigger happy former friend. Things did not end well for him. He could very well be found at the venue we are discussing.

Agent Parsons: That sounds like the kind of venue where a human shield would be valuable.

Harriet: If you took one there with you, it would not go astray.

Agent Parsons: M1 and M2, are you familiar with Bloomsbury? You have scored the driving duties.

M2: By 4:00 pm we will know how to transport the team to The Cultural Exchange Bookstore in Bloomsbury.

Agent Parsons: Excellent.

Agent Emily Abernathy: "Let me just clarify where we are at here. If the Water Poisoner provides the information to us by 4:00 pm today, he has no more utility to offer us. If he chooses not to provide the information to us, he is of no utility to us. That certainly sounds like the raid on The Cultural Exchange Bookstore in Bloomsbury is proceeding at 4:00 pm today."

Agent Harriet: Best I make arrangements for the Water Poisoner to be available to accompany us on the raid.

M2: In addition to M1 and I confirming the route we will be taking to Bloomsbury this afternoon, it looks like we are Officers-In-Charge of Raid Equipment.

Agent Parsons: Apart from the roles you are quite splendidly articulating, I propose we assume the same roles we took for the Soho gambling den raid:

• M1 and Agent Emily will cover the back entrance.

• M2, Agent Harriet, the Water Poisoner and I will take the front entrance.

Is there any reason to divert from that set up?

Emily, Harriet, M1 and M2: No.

M1: Can everyone check their firearm well before we leave.

Agent Parsons: We will meet here again at 3:00 pm to go over the final details before we leave for the raid.

The meeting then ended.

The Raid

The 3:00 pm meeting was short. Everything was in order. No apparent glitches had arisen. The Famous Five then set off for their raid on The Cultural Exchange Bookstore in Bloomsbury.

Upon collecting the handcuffed Water Poisoner, he was suitably clueless about what was going on.

Agent Parsons told him: “We have an adventure for you, Mr Water Poisoner.”

Otherwise there was no conversation with him during the journey to the raid venue.

The team arrived at The Cultural Exchange Bookstore at roughly 3:50 pm and took a little over 5 minutes to put on their protective jackets and get into position for the raid.

Once again Agent Parsons and M2 walked their handcuffed shield to the front of the premises. When Agent Parsons positioned herself directly behind the Water Poisoner, he asked what was going on?

Agent Parsons: “We have an adventure for you.”

She then shoved him through the front door of the premises.

That breach of the premises occurred without any resistance from the occupants. Likewise the breach of the rear of the premises occurred smoothly, without resistance.

With her firearm drawn and facing the staff member behind the counter in the Bookstore, Agent Parsons said to the staff member: “The Reading Room.”

Without any argument or hesitation, the staff member pointed to a door at the back of the book display area and said: “Through that door.”

Agent Harriet might describe what the team encountered as they burst through the door as hitting the jackpot. A meeting of Iron Curtain sympathisers was underway in the Reading Room.

Unfortunately for the Water Poisoner, a trigger happy Iron Curtain sympathiser in the Reading Room panicked when the breach of the room occurred and he emptied his firearm into the Water Poisoner.

Fortunately for Agent Parsons, the Water Poisoner shielded her from any damage.

The Water Poisoner was the only casualty in the raid and all those meeting in the Reading Room were subdued and ultimately taken into custody by MI6 agents.

Agent Harriet took some delight in calling in the raid to MI6 from the bookstore telephone. Her MI6 colleagues were quick to send a clean up team to assist in wrapping up the raid.

With everything under control at the raid scene, a satisfied Agent Parsons said to the rest of The Famous Five: We can now be on our way.

As The Famous Five left The Cultural Exchange Bookstore, they thanked their MI6 colleagues for their clean up efforts.

Shortly after they commenced their return journey to MI6 headquarters, Agent Parsons said:

• “This is not quite a steak sandwiches moment, but it is definitely worthy of a modest meal. I suggest we find a cafeteria close to headquarters and appreciate a job well done.”

M2: I know a place we can go and parking the work vehicle will not be a problem.

Emily: Lead the way, M2.

Back To Work

Not long after Nicky Parsons arrived at work the day after the raid mission, the Boss telephoned her: “Gather your team in your office, Agent Parsons. I will come and visit you shortly.”

The Famous Five team were gathered in the office of Nicky Parsons within 10 minutes of the telephone call from the Boss.

The Boss made his way there after about 15 minutes and closed the door.

The Boss: Agent Parsons you are Agent Parsons. And for Queen and Country, Agent Parsons. For Queen and Country.

The London water supply system is safe. The three British nationals have been returned, unharmed and two (2) East German Iron Curtain undesirables have been permanently neutralised.

That is quite an achievement.

The East German Ambassador was correct when he said:

• “The things you people do for Queen and country.”

The things you five agents do for Queen and country. This is a dirty job. I am glad you are all on my side.

They are going to keep coming at us and we must never relent.

I am not going to talk about your methods. I am definitely going to celebrate your achievements.

If I give the five of you the rest of today and tomorrow off work, in recognition of your outstanding achievements, do you think you could spend your not working time not working?

Could you all turn off your bad guy radars for a couple of days and unwind from this maelstrom?

M1, 2 days off, no work. Can you do it?"

M1: Yes, Sir. Thank you.

The Boss: M2?

M2: Yes, Sir. Thank you.

The Boss: Agent Harriet?

Harriet: Yes, Sir. Thank you.

The Boss: Agent Emily?

Emily: Yes, Sir. Thank you.

The Boss: Agent Parsons?

Nicky: Yes, Sir. Thank you.

Thank you for your efforts, agents. Enjoy your time off.

The meeting then ended and the Boss returned to his office.

Agent Itchy The British Asset

Agent Itchy Becomes a British Asset

The MI6 Boss gathered the Stuffy Shirts in his office for another closed door meeting.

The Boss: Ladies, this is a privilege for you. But one you have earned. You absolutely must be on your best behaviour during this telephone call. I cannot tell you that enough.

The secretary to the Boss then buzzed him: “They are ready for you on the call now, Sir.”

Boss: Thank you.

“My East German friend, Your trigger happy Agent Itchy, the one who wanted to shoot my Agent Nicky Parsons, has told us in discussions over his visa irregularities that he is prepared to remain in London and not return to East Germany, until the three (3) missing British nationals currently residing in East Berlin, who have been the subject of considerable diplomatic friction, are safely returned to Britain.

That is quite an offer from your Agent Itchy and something of an act of redemption on his part for wanting to shoot my Agent Parsons."

The Stuffy Shirts looked at each other in shocked silence.

"We get our three (3) missing British nationals back and you get back your trigger happy agent who wanted to shoot my Agent Parsons.

Your Agent Itchy wanted to shoot my Agent Parsons. You expect me to have a sense of humour about it? The Iron Curtain must block the flow of commonsense and reality.

Are you sure you want to leave the hapless Agent Itchy with us? Agent Parsons showed you what happens to Iron Curtain agents who outstay their utility for us.

So, you now need some time to think about our offer.

Provisionally this call will continue at 10:00 am tomorrow.

Feel free to contact me earlier to tell me you accept our offer.

Enjoy your day.”

The Boss then spoke to the Stuffy Shirts, who were more than a little shocked by what they just heard.

“You are rather naughty at times, Agent Parsons. But undeniably you are a pragmatic operator. You are not the only one who can be an uncomfortably pragmatic operator.

It is not my usual practice to burn Iron Curtain Agents like Itchy, but he did want to shoot Agent Parsons. Those three (3) British nationals deserve to come home, and if I have to burn Agent Itchy to bring them home, then for Queen and Country, I will burn him.

Agent Parsons, It seems this would not have been possible with you being Agent Parsons.

You ladies do not need to say anything at the moment. It looks like we will be back here again at 10:00 am tomorrow.

This might also be a good time for you three ladies to go for one of your walks in the park or maybe have tea and muffins in a cafeteria quite away from the MI6 building to digest these events.

Agent Parsons: Tea and muffins is a good idea, Sir.

Agent Emily: I know a place where we can go.

Boss: Take your time, ladies. And feel free to telephone my secretary if your digestion of events becomes protracted, so you can keep abreast of any possible developments.

Digestion Cafeteria

The route to the Emily cafeteria took the Stuffy Shirts through a park, so a conversation opportunity presented itself.

Harriet: That was unexpected.

Emily: Every part of that was unexpected. He may be the boss of MI6 and have seen a lot of movies, but I never expected to see him in that movie.

The agents arrived at the Emily cafeteria and paused their conversation while they took their seats in a booth at the back of the cafeteria and placed their orders.

Parsons: Considerate of Agent Itchy to remain in London and not return to East Germany, until the three (3) missing British nationals are safely returned to Britain.

Harriet: It was quite the stroke of luck Agent Itchy had visa irregularities that enabled you to have discussions with him, Agent Parsons.

Emily: Visa irregularities that apparently arose after he manifested his desire to shoot you, Agent Parsons.

Parsons: Surely you are overlooking the enormous humanitarian act on his part to facilitate the return of the three (3) British nationals.

Emily: Is Itchy likely to assist in further missions, if the British nationals are not returned?

Parsons: I am sure he would want to see no repeat of someone wanting to shoot me, so he may very well assist as a shield on a mission in the future.

Harriet: That is a humanitarian act on his part I can endorse.

Parsons: A way of showing his gratitude for British hospitality.

Emily: Apparently the East Germans did not properly screen their negotiation team before sending them to Britain. It was terribly careless of them to send someone with visa irregularities.

Harriet temporarily left the booth and the Stuffy Shirts and approached the cafeteria staff.

“Might I please use your telephone? I have to make a call and it is one I would rather everyone were not able to hear”

Cafeteria Staff Member: "Certainly. We have a telephone that can stretch to your booth. There is hardly anyone in the cafeteria, so the unwanted ears should be a lot less of a problem.

You return to your booth and I will bring the telephone over to you."

Harriet: Thank you. I am very grateful to you.

Not three (3) minutes later Harriet was telephoning the Boss from the cafeteria.

Harriet: Miss Secretary, Might I please speak with the Boss about the proceedings this morning?

Secretary: Wait on. I will see if he is available. He said He is happy to speak with you. I will put you through to him.

Harriet: “Sir, Thank you for speaking with me. So that I may assist you with any possible intelligence I might have or come across that could be useful in relation to this matter, I would like to clarify the parameters within which we are working.

The East Germans sent an agent to London who was going to poison our water system, but his own negligence and stupidity lead to his capture by us before he got anywhere near completing his mission.

As part of their negotiations team to try to return Agent Water Poisoner to East Germany, the East Germans included an agent who wanted to shoot our Agent Parsons during those negotiations. And we now have the trigger happy Agent Itchy in custody as well, due to his visa irregularities.

Against that background, the East Germans are baulking at returning to Britain three (3) British nationals who are currently residing in East Germany.”

Boss: An accurate and succinctly articulated assessment there, Agent Harriet.

Harriet: Thank you, Sir. I will turn my mind to any intelligence I might have seen that is relevant here.

Boss: Thank you, Agent Harriet. Enjoy your digestion time. There is no need for you Stuffy Shirts to hurry back.

 

As soon as the telephone call ended, Harriet returned the telephone to the cafeteria staff.

Harriet: Thank you, again.

Cafeteria Staff: It is no trouble. Would you like more tea?

Harriet: Yes, please. Another pot of tea would be lovely.

I will take care of that tea while I am here.

When the cafeteria staff saw the tip from Harriet she said: “That is very generous of you, Miss. Thank you. I will bring your pot of tea over to you shortly.”

Harriet then returned to the booth and the Stuffy Shirts.

Emily: That had almost nothing to do with the intelligence on your desk. But it certainly confirmed to the boss you supported what he was doing. Well done.

Harriet: The Boss said “Enjoy your digestion time. There is no need for you Stuffy Shirts to hurry back.”

Nicky: I will get us some lunch menus.

When Nicky returned with the lunch menus she asked Harriet: “Is that gambling den in Soho still funding the East Germans?”

Harriet: Yes.

Emily: No way.

Parsons: Lunch or Soho?

Emily: Soho.

Harriet: Soho. I will make sure Agent Itchy is available to accompany us to Soho. 

Parsons: I will call M1 and M2 and inform them The Famous Five is going to Soho.

Emily: I will take care of the tea etc with the cafeteria staff.

The cafeteria allowed Harriet to again use the telephone. This time the call was made from the front counter. The call was short; “Have my friend you are holding available for us to collect within half an hour. This is not a time to argue with me.”

Harriet thanked the cafeteria staff again. 

When Nicky Parsons returned she said M1 and M2 would collect them from outside the cafeteria in 10 minutes.

Harriet said she was assured Agent Itchy would be available for them to collect with half an hour.

Emily: I have taken care of the bill.

Parsons: Then we should wait outside for M1 and M2.

The Stuffy Shirts each thanked the cafeteria staff for their hospitality.

Soho Raid

M1 and M2 arrived promptly and The Famous Five then proceeded to collect Agent Itchy.

Six (6) adults in the MI6 vehicle was a cosy fit, but not one that worried the MI6 agents.

Agent Parsons then spoke to Agent Itchy: It seems you like to gamble Itchy, so we are taking you to Soho. You may even know some of the people there.”

Handcuffed Itchy had no idea what was going on.

None of The Famous Five thought he needed to know any more than he had been told.

When they arrived at the Soho gambling den, Itchy watched The Famous Five put on protection jackets. Itchy did not like what he was seeing.

Nicky Parsons grabbed Itchy by the arm and said “You are coming with me, Itchy”.

Instructions from Agent Parsons were brief: M1 and Agent Emily will cover the back entrance. M2, Agent Harriet, Itchy and I will take the front entrance. Let’s go.

Agent Parsons had one arm of Itchy and M2 had the other. They were pulling him to the front door of the gambling den.

When they arrived at the front door, Nicky put Itchy directly in front of her. She banged on the front door and yelled “ I have got your guy and I am bringing him to you”.

They then broke through the front door, using Agent Itchy a a shield.

The mission proceeded as Agent Parsons anticipated. The gambling den occupants greeted them with gunfire, most of which was caught by Agent Itchy.

Agents Emily and M1 breached the back entrance and the MI6 team quickly had the gambling den crew subdued and handcuffed. Emily was on telephone duties and called the situation in to MI6. A clean up crew was there within 15 minutes.

Agent Parsons explained that there was no need to take the now deceased Agent Itchy with the clean up crew, she had her own plans for him.

In and out within 45 minutes. Clean and efficient work from The Famous Five and MI6.

East German Embassy

Agent Parsons then declared: “We are now off to the East German Embassy. M1 and M2 can sort out who is driving.”

The agents then bundled the deceased Agent Itchy into the back of the MI6 motor vehicle and they proceeded to the East German Embassy.

When they arrived, they parked right at the front gates. Agent Itchy was removed from the MI6 vehicle and placed on the ground in front of the gates.

Nicky Parsons spoke to the Embassy staff that greeted them: 

“Send the Guy out here immediately and do not make me wait.”

The shocked Embassy staff immediately went inside the Embassy and returned with The Ambassador.

Agent Parsons: “This is your guy, Agent Itchy. He wanted to shoot me, during a negotiation, no less. He has just helped us on a successful mission. We want the three (3) British nationals you have in East Germany returned to us. This is no longer a negotiation.

We will wait here while you go inside and make the telephone call that guarantees the return of the three (3) British nationals. Then you can have what is left of Agent Itchy and do with him what you like. Have I made myself clear?”

An initially speechless Ambassador said: I will be back shortly.

Parsons: Do not make me wait.

10 minutes later the Ambassador returned.

Parsons: You took your time.

Ambassador: Settle down. I know about the telephone call this morning. Your offer will be accepted. The three (3) British nationals will be returned to Britain, unharmed.

Parsons: You better not be lying to me.

Ambassador: Things did not go so well for Agent Itchy. This mess needs to end.

Parsons: I will take you at your word. I will leave you to deal with Agent Itchy.

Ambassador: “Your boss told me to tell you, there is no need to call him about this escapade. He knows about it and is not surprised by it.

The things you people do for Queen and country.”

East Germany Called

 Wednesday

As soon as Nicky Parsons arrived at work on Wednesday, the day after her special day off, the secretary to the Boss came to see her and told her the Boss wanted to see her immediately.

Secretary: Do not delay. I will get the other two Stuffy Shirts to join you.

Within 10 minutes all 3 Stuffy Shirts were again seated in the office of the Boss.

Boss: I hope you three ladies enjoyed your day off.

Stuffy Shirts: Yes, Thank you.

Boss: "It seems bad news travels fast. The East Germans are apparently not happy their short-tempered and impatient Iron Curtain Bad Guy got himself caught, and over a jazz record. I kid you not, someone senior in their hierarchy wants to meet with Agent Parsons, in person, in London. My guess is to convince MI6 to look the other way while they take care of their problem, who is now in our custody.

A Bad Guy who was going to poison our water supply lost his temper over a jazz record and got himself caught.

The East Germans are seriously unhappy."

Emily: You have seen this movie before?

Boss: I am the boss of MI6. I have seen a lot of movies.

Harriet: They want to talk to Nicky Parsons? Why not you?

Boss: It is not in dispute Agent Parsons is a pragmatic operator, sometimes uncomfortably so. But they misjudge her loyalty to Queen and Country.

I thought I would share this with all three of you. Not just because you captured the East German problem, but because you are in the same team and are friends.

If it gives you ladies any comfort, Agent Parsons will be perfectly safe during the proposed meeting.

Have I read you right, Agent Parsons? Are you up for the meeting at 6:00 pm this evening?

Parsons: 6:00 pm this evening?

Boss: My team backing you up is already undergoing preparations.

As I alluded earlier, the East Germans are wildly unhappy their proposed water poisoner is a short-tempered lunatic, who is now a threat to them, in terms of possibly revealing vital intelligence and / or information.

I have absolute faith in Agent Parsons. She is not going to give up the newly acquired East German asset.

Parsons: Of course I am not going to give him up. If he does not cooperate with us, he has other uses for us.

Boss: Parsons is in. Are you two ladies going to join this operation?

Emily: What would you have us do?

Boss: Accompany Agent Parsons to the meeting. Then join the observation team. There will be quite a few of you in and around this meeting.

Emily: I am in.

Harriet: I am in.

Boss: Excellent. The meeting will take place in one of our safe houses not too far from here.

The Meeting

Parsons: You are not getting your guy. You are not even getting access to your guy. He is ours now and he will cooperate with us or pay a very steep price.

Parsons: Have Itchy over there leave the room or I will take him out.

East German Negotiator: Time for you to leave the room, Itchy.

Itchy left the room without complaint from his East German colleagues.

Parsons: As a matter of interest, what are you proposing to offer me to give you access to your guy, who is now our guy?

East German Negotiator:

(Trying not to reveal the desperation beneath his veneer of composure)

"Agent Parsons, we are prepared to offer … a significant package.

We will provide:

• The operational details for a new, highly effective listening post we have established near your naval base in Portsmouth;

• A full breakdown of its capabilities, personnel, and access points; and as a gesture of goodwill

• We will also ensure the safe, discreet return of three (3) missing British nationals currently residing in East Berlin,

• individuals whose whereabouts have been a source of considerable diplomatic friction."

Parsons: You are not getting your guy. He is ours now and he will cooperate with us or I will put him to use elsewhere.

Agent Parsons then produced a number of photographs from her overcoat. “These photographs are of the bullet strewn body of a former Iron Curtain Bad Guy who refused to cooperate with us. I successfully used him as bait for and a shield to gain access to an Iron Curtain Bad Guy. That is now the future of your guy, if he does not cooperate with us.

It has been interesting talking with you guys.

Looks like this meeting is over.

As Agent Parsons reconnected with her MI6 colleagues immediately after the meeting with the East Germans, she said:

“Whoever is driving me, take me to see the Water Poisoner in MI6 custody immediately.”

As she spoke, Agent Emily and Agent Harriet appeared.

Agent Parsons asked her fellow Stuffy Shirts: “Are you coming with me?”

Stuffy Shirts: Yes.

There was silence in the MI6 vehicle en route to the custody location holding the East German prospective Water Poisoner.

Apart from thanking the driver when they arrived, the silence was only broken when Agent Parsons had her meeting with the newly acquired Iron Curtain Bad Guy.

There was another brief episode where the silence was broken by Nicky Parsons.

As she waited for the East German prospective Water Poisoner to be brought to her for their meeting, she made a telephone call to MI6. And it was obviously to someone senior.

Agent Parsons told her MI6 colleague Itchy was present during the negotiations meeting and he gave Nicky Parsons the impression he wanted to shoot her. Parsons promptly ordered him from the room and the East German contingent complied with her request.

In the circumstances, Nicky Parsons wants the airport authorities to hold Itchy on “visa irregularities”, so that he misses his plane back to East Germany, at the very least. He may be held for much longer.

Agent Parsons seemed to get a positive response from her MI6 superior.

As that telephone call ended, her newly acquired East German asset appeared for their meeting.

Parsons: ”You were going to poison our water supply. There is no part of me that has to be nice to you. This is not a time for you to speak. This is a time for you to listen very carefully.

The East Germans want you dead. Very Dead. Your only hope of staying alive is to properly cooperate with us. I assure you, my patience is very thin when it comes to you.

Apart from telling us all about your plans to poison our water supply, there is other information you will provide to us.

There will be no heroic escape for you. The people who are disposed to seek your release, are the same people who want to kill you.

The additional information I want from you is as follows (and this is not a request):

• The details of your new East German listening post near our UK naval base in Portsmouth;

• The details of the three (3) missing British nationals currently residing in East Berlin, who have been the subject of considerable diplomatic friction."

You are a short-tempered and impatient fool who allowed himself to get so agitated over a jazz record, you blew your cover and gave us the opportunity to capture you. You are not a clever man.

We want the information from you and if you are not going to cooperate with us, I can assure you, I have other very unpleasant plans for you.

There is not much left of this Wednesday. Tomorrow is Thursday. That is a good day for you to get religion and confess. If I have to come back to see you, the East Germans will be a long way short of your biggest problem.

I bought the Donald Byrd album that was problematic for you from a different record store the following Monday. You are a dangerously stupid and irresponsible man. Tomorrow you will provide us with the information we want.

I trust I have made myself clear to you.

Have a terrible night’s sleep.”

It is accurate to say the East German Bad Guy was rather unsettled by what Agent Parsons said to him. He knew better than to interrupt her or argue with her. A moment of clarity had visited him. He was silent when Agent Parsons left the interview room and he was silent when he was returned to his cell.

Life just got considerably more complicated for the East German Bad Guy.

When Agent Parsons met up with Agent Emily and Agent Harriet shortly after leaving her meeting with the East German Bad Guy, the silence was broken by an MI6 colleague telling the Stuffy Shirts: “I have organised for all three of you to be driven home by an MI6 staff member.”

That seemed to lighten the mood all around.

Thursday

First thing Thursday morning the Boss gathered The Famous Five in his office for a meeting.

Boss: Agent Parsons, I see the meeting last evening went as expected. Apart from the bad mannered behaviour of one of the East Germans. You were correct to deal with him as you did.

It seems your East German friend is having some visa troubles at the airport this morning.

Agent Parsons: That is terrible luck for him, Sir.

Boss: I am sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the way he acted towards you last evening. 

Agent Parsons: He might miss his plane back to East Germany.

Boss: That would be unfortunate. I propose the five of you attend upon the airport and see if you can assist the East German friend of Agent Parsons with his visa difficulties.

Agent Parsons: All five of us, Sir?

Boss: It looks pretty complicated Agent Parsons, and he is an international guest.

Agent Parsons: Thank you for your assistance, Sir. It will definitely require all five of us.

Boss: "If you have no further questions, you can leave immediately

Good job at the negotiations meeting last night, Agent Parsons. I knew it would not be a problem for you. And I am glad you had a chat with our new East German jazz fan guest afterwards."

Agent Parsons: Thank you, Sir. We will now make our way to the airport.

Boss: Thank you, agents.

The Airport

The five agents then made their way to the airport.

Once they arrived at the airport, they were taken to where Itchy was being held.

Agent Parsons: This is a surprise, Itchy. I did not expect to see you again. Apparently British hospitality is so good, you created visa problems for yourself so you might stay here longer.

You are not going to tell me you tried to shoot someone, are you Itchy?

Itchy: I did not try to shoot anyone.

Parsons: I made sure you left the room before you got the chance.

Itchy: That was a misunderstanding. I was not trying to shoot you.

Parsons: Seems there is a misunderstanding with your visa also. Our government is so concerned about you, Itchy, it has sent five (5) agents to deal with this misunderstanding.

Where are your colleagues, Itchy?

Itchy: They returned to East Germany without me.

Emily was trying to muffle her laughter.

Parsons: "Alone and lonely in a foreign country. Life has become complicated for you, Itchy.

Wait here while we go and make some enquiries about your situation to see if we can sort it out promptly."

The five agents then left Itchy alone in the interview and observation room.

Agent Harriet: You are having way too much fun with this, Agent Parsons and I am here for it.

Agent Emily: Perhaps we should adjourn to strategize over a pot of tea?

Parsons: Good call, Agent Emily. Ruminate upon our strategy over a pot of tea. Now to find a cafeteria to host our ruminating and tea drinking.

Agent Emily: There is a sparsely populated cafeteria nearby.

Parsons: That will be our destination.

As they were walking to the cafeteria, M2 said quietly to M1: This is one of those times where we do not say anything until we are told we are required.

Once the agents were well into their pot of tea, Agent Harriet said to Agent Parsons: You could end this with one telephone call.

Parsons: I also could have shot Itchy last night. I chose to have him removed from the room.

Emily: I see no problem with Itchy being inconvenienced here for another hour or two. Ultimately it is your call, Agent Parsons.

Parsons: Let me know when you have finished your tea. I am going to make Itchy sweat.

Within 10 minutes The Famous Five had returned to the interview and observation room and continued their discussion with Itchy.

Parsons: You were rather trigger happy last night, Itchy. Are you sure you do not have any information for us to help us assist you with your current visa problems?

The specific information that comes to mind that you might provide to us is:

• The details of the three (3) missing British nationals currently residing in East Berlin, who have been the subject of considerable diplomatic friction.

Surely you would want to do everything you can to help us help you. Especially as you were so trigger happy last evening.

Itchy: What is going on here?

Parsons: You tell me, Itchy. You were the one who was trigger happy. I did nothing to threaten you or anyone in your contingent.

Her Aim Is True

 Harriet Goes To The Shooting Range

Noticing that MI6 were happily a little quiet mission-wise and ever mindful of their training requirements, The Boss arranged for the three Stuffy Shirts to attend their regular shooting practice together at the MI6 range. Nicky, Emily, and Harriet arrived at the familiar facility, the scent of gun oil and the sharp cracks of gunfire already filling the air.

They each took their designated lanes. Soon, the rhythmic whistling of their weapons echoed through the range. It quickly became apparent that all three (3) agents were highly proficient. Their shots were tight, disciplined, and consistently found their mark on the targets downrange. Harriet demonstrated an impressive skill, her groupings remarkably tight and centred.

As the trio continued their practice, Nicky Parsons noticed a man in a nearby lane not-so-subtly watching Harriet. He seemed more interested in Harriet than in his own target.

Once their session concluded and the targets were retrieved, Nicky casually made her way to Harriet's lane. She examined Harriet's target, noting the impressive cluster of shots in the bullseye. Carefully detaching the paper target, Nicky then approached the man who had been observing Harriet.

Standing beside him, Nicky held up Harriet's target for him to see, the neat bullet holes speaking volumes of the accuracy of the shooter.

"Do you really think you want her telephone number?" Nicky asked, her tone deceptively mild.

The man's eyes widened slightly as he took in the precision of Harriet's shooting. He glanced from the target back to Nicky, a sudden look of apprehension replaced his earlier interest.

"Ah ... well," the prospective suitor stammered, glancing nervously towards the exit. "I ... I have got to go. I do not want to miss my train."

Her voice still calm, but with an underlying firmness, Nicky agreed: "No. You do not want to miss your train."

The man quickly gathered his belongings and made a hasty retreat from the shooting range. For a moment Nicky watched the prospective suitor depart, before rejoining Emily and Harriet, both of whom were seemingly oblivious to the brief exchange.

Harrietville Record Shop

Roughly six (6) weeks later, Harriet approached Nicky and Emily during their work morning tea break and invited the Stuffy Shirts to socialise in Harrietville again.

“A cross town train ride will be required, ladies. I propose this Saturday the Stuffy Shirts go to a Harrietville record shop and listen to a record or three in the listening booths, then have tea and muffins at a cafeteria afterwards.”

Emily: Excellent idea.

Nicky: Consider your offer accepted, Miss Harriet.

Saturday arrived and when the Stuffy Shirts got together in Harrietville, Harriet asked her colleagues:

“When you go out socialising, like we are now, do you ladies take your work handbag with you? The small one that fits in your coat pocket?”

Nicky: Yes, always.

Emily: Definitely.

The Stuffy Shirts then proceeded to the record store and started listening to music in individual listening booths.

Iron Curtain Bad Guy Jazz Fan

Unbeknown to Nicky and Emily, Harriet had been surveilling a male who attended the record shop from time to time. The intelligence that routinely crossed her work desk lead Harriet to believe that her neighbourhood had been infiltrated by an Iron Curtain Bad Guy and this one had a taste for the latest jazz releases. He also seemed to like the buzz in the record store on a Saturday.

About 10 minutes into the Stuffy Shirts finding their jazz listening groove, the Iron Curtain Bad Guy jazz fan arrived. Initially all was calm, then something seemed to agitate the target Harriet was surveilling. He was getting rather aggressive with a Mr 20Something and the situation did not seem likely to diffuse any time soon.

Harriet tapped her Stuffy Shirt colleagues and said to them: “Ladies, find your work handbags immediately or hit the floor.”

As the Iron Curtain Bad Guy produced a firearm and pointed it at Mr 20Something, Harriet drew her firearm and put her first round in his hand holding the firearm. Her second round was in his chest and her third round was in his left calf. Mr Iron Curtain Bad Guy fell to the floor immediately.

Emily had made her way to the front door of the store and closed it.

Nicky Parsons proceeded to the now fallen Bad Guy and placed her handcuffs on him behind his back. She then announced to the store: “We are all going to wait here until the authorities arrive.”

Harriet was already talking to the record store staff about using their telephone. She had no trouble calling MI6 and telling them to get a collection team to the record store immediately.

MI6 Arrive

Not 10 minutes passed before the MI6 team arrived to take over from the Stuffy Shirts.

One of the MI6 agents had a conversation with Mr 20Something about the excitement in the record shop. Mr 20 Something insisted the argument with the Iron Curtain Bad Guy was over a record, the recent Donald Byrd album release, The Cat Walk. Mr 20Something had the last copy the store had in stock in his hand and the apparently short-tempered and impatient Iron Curtain Bad Guy wanted it. He did not seem to want to wait until the store obtained more stock of the record.

The MI6 agent assured Mr 20Something the threat from the agitated and impatient Iron Curtain Bad Guy had been neutralised and he would no longer be a problem for Mr 20Something. The authorities would relocate and entertain the troublemaker.

Mr 20Something did not impress the MI6 agent as a problem and the shock of having a gun drawn on him seemed to be dissipating, Insisting he was fine, Mr 20Something persuaded the MI6 agent to allow him to go about his business again, without any MI6 companionship.

During the motor vehicle ride back to MI6, the agents reminded the Iron Curtain Bad Guy it was an argument over a jazz record that lead to his capture. They also told him he would get medical treatment at MI6 headquarters. He was not being taken to a hospital or medical facility.

Once back at MI6 headquarters, a doctor treated the gunshot wounds of the short-tempered Iron Curtain Bad Guy, while agents interviewed him.

MI6 Agent: “You pulled a gun on a guy in a record shop. Be grateful we are giving you any medical treatment at all and that is before we get to your plans to poison our water supply. Start talking in a helpful way or your future will be rather painful.”

Tea and Muffins

Nicky: I think tea and muffins are on you, Miss Harriet. It seems you have a story to tell us.

Harriet: Let us make our escape while our colleagues are dealing with the Bad Guy.

Emily: Lead the way, Hot Shot.

Once the Stuffy Shirts were settled in their Harrietville cafeteria and comforted by their ever reliable tea and muffins, Harriet began to expand upon the brevity of her socialising invitation.

“Saturday morning and the Stuffy Shirts listening to jazz records, followed by tea and muffins, what was not to like? So I extended an invitation to you. Happily you accepted.

What I did not tell you was the intelligence that had crossed my desk about our rowdy, not so friendly Iron Curtain Bad Guy friend. I knew he came into the record store from time to time. I had seen him there more than once on a Saturday. But he did not do anything to otherwise draw attention to himself.

My plan was if anything happened this morning, we would be there and would be able to handle it.

Emily: Some impressive assumptions on your part there, Miss Harriet.

Nicky: And some sharp shooting.

Harriet: The situation was handled and now we are having tea and muffins.

Emily: How rude of the Iron Curtain guy, interrupting my listening to a jazz album.

Nicky: Clearly his parents need to teach him some good manners.

Harriet: We can listen to the music another day. It is probably not a good idea to go back to that record shop today.

Nicky: There are tea and muffins here that require my attention.

Emily: Jazz listening has been adjourned.

Emily continued: “Miss Harriet, Harrietville has now been infiltrated by the Iron Curtain Bad Guys. You are now in the same club as Nicky and I. If you come to our neighbourhood, we can show you the Minor Key Café, which is near where Nicky killed a dangerous Iron Curtain assassin one Saturday morning, during her breakfast.”

Nicky: And the Bratwurst Café, where Emily put fabric softener in the pot of tea of two (2) Soviet Bad Guys, as an effective disabling tool. Emily paid for the pot of tea. She was not completely inconsiderate.

Emily: The ambience of your neighbourhood is now not so different to ours.

Harriet: An Iron Curtain Bad Guy sullying the ambiance of a record shop is not quite a final breakfast time interlude or a pot of tea with extras, but it is certainly staking a claim for being filed under Colourful, rather than Stuffy.

Nicky: So, we are agreed, The Stuffy Shirts live in colourful neighbourhoods.

Emily: I am keen to return for some more jazz listening.

Nicky: And tea and muffins.

Emily: Of course.

Harriet: Enjoy your tea and muffins, ladies. We have done our work for the day.

Nicky: On a Saturday, no less.

Emily: We have some solid relaxing to do. Another pot of tea will be required.

Nicky: Indeed.

Harriet: And some more muffins.

Monday Morning

Monday morning arrived and so did Emily Abernathy at the apartment of Nicky Parsons. They had arranged to go to work together. Once Emily was inside the apartment of Nicky Parsons, Nicky spoke to Emily:

“I propose a detour on the way to work this morning.”

Emily: An adventure before work. The record shop excitement of last Saturday was not enough for you?

Nicky: Think of it more of a tradition, rather than an adventure. Although it involves a record shop.

Emily: Never a dull moment with you, Miss Parsons.

Nicky: There is a record shop nearby that hopefully will have what I want.

Emily: Lead the way, Miss Parsons. 

In less than ten (10) minutes, the agents were in a record store not far from the home of Nicky Parsons. Nicky located a copy of the recent Donald Byrd album release The Cat Walk and took it to the service counter.

Emily was amused, but said nothing.

At the service counter Nicky asked the female store attendant if they had something in the nature of a blank card that could accompany the album. It was planned to be a gift.

The female store attendant said: “I have just what you are looking for,” and produced a delightful blank gift card.

Nicky produced a pen from her handbag and wrote on the card:

• Number 1, with a Bullet.

Emily interrupted her laughter to comment to Nicky: “Delightful.”

Nicky paid for the record and thanked the female store attendant for her assistance.

The Store Attendant: Have a nice day, ladies.

Nicky and Emily in reply: Have a nice day.

Nicky: Now we can go to work and pay a visit to Harriet.

Still amused Emily: “To the train station.”

MI6 Headquarters

Once at work, the two agents went straight to the office of Harriet and had a closed- door meeting with her.

Nicky: Agent Harriet, It seems we have something of a tradition in our team, and with that in mind, I have a gift for you.

Nicky then gave the recent Donald Byrd album release The Cat Walk to Harriet and also the accompanying gift card.

Harriet was surprised and grateful to receive the record.

Then she turned her attention to the gift card: When she read “Number 1, with a Bullet.”, she chuckled loudly.

Harriet: Three bullets, Agent Parsons.

Emily: And they were all hits.

Harriet “You have interesting traditions, Agent Parsons. I love it.”

Nicky: As much as I would like to spend the rest of the day with you ladies, we had better go and do some work.

Emily: Agent Parsons, This detour this morning has been delightful.

As Nicky Parsons opened the door to the office of Agent Harriet, she was greeted by the secretary to the Boss.

Secretary: Oh, good. The Boss wants to see the three of you now.

Emily to The Secretary: Lead the way.

Five minutes later the Stuffy Shirts were seated in the office of the Boss.

The Boss: Have you ladies thought of spending your not working time not working?

Nicky Parsons: The Bad Guys are very inconsiderate of our working hours.

Emily Abernathy: It is extremely inconsiderate of them.

The Boss: Very creative surveillance, Agent Harriet. In a record shop. Good planning, Agent Harriet and very good shooting.

The Boss: "I have a proposition for the three of you. You have the day off tomorrow, in recognition of your penchant for working after hours. I do not have an errand for you. This is a straight day off. Whether you spend it together or alone is up to you.

Of course, you could reject my offer and come in to work.

If you decide to take up my offer of a day off, hopefully the bad guys will leave you alone for the day."

Emily: A day off, tomorrow?

Nicky: For Queen and Country.

The Boss: Indeed, Agent Parsons. I invite the three of you to take the day off tomorrow, for Queen and Country.

The Stuffy Shirts in unison: For Queen and Country.

The Boss: Thank you, ladies. Enjoy your day.

The Stuffy Shirts then left the office of the Boss and went to the office of Nicky Parsons.

Harriet: Today has been a day of surprises. Pleasant surprises.

Emily: Feel like catching a cross town train and spending the morning in our neighbourhood?

Nicky Parsons: I can recommend breakfast at the Minor Key Café, without the killing. We can safely stick to the food.

Emily: And the pots of tea.

Nicky: We can plan the rest of our day over breakfast.

Emily: Breakfast at the Minor Key Café at 8:00 am?

Harriet: Breakfast at the Minor Key Café at 8:00 am. 

Nicky: Excellent.

Emily: Splendid.

The Carbon Cage

The new government having now taken power, The Chief of The Stasi has been implementing his programme of transition. Those who believed in the censorship etc of the previous government are systematically identified and then conscripted to live in 15 Minute Cities . They are also subjected to carbon footprint rationing and digital identification, even microchipping.

It would be an ambitious use of the language to describe convicted Climate Hoaxer, and Infidel, Dresden Leipzig as comfortable with his court-imposed punishment of being required to be Microchipped and have a Digital ID. That foray into the criminal justice system has definitely seen Leipzig subsequently welcomed To The Terrordome.

Bank Account

Somewhat surprisingly Dresden Leipzig lost his sense of humour when he sought to access his bank account from an automatic teller machine. The machine in question informed Leipzig The Infidel that he needed to go to nearest actual bank branch, because his account was not accessible.

After waiting roughly three (3) hours at the bank, a staff member attended up Leipzig and initially told him his account could not be located. After another lengthy pause, the staff member returned to Dresden to inform him that the subject account had been located, but it has no funds in it. Leipzig was shocked by that news, because he believed he had considerable funds in the account.

Significantly Leipzig was also told that there was a notation on the account that Dresden had exceeded his allocated carbon footprint. Accordingly, no business could be transacted with him, until such time as his carbon footprint was reduced to an acceptable level.

The bank officer further informed Dresden if the bank were to conduct business with him whilst he had exceeded his allocated carbon footprint, it will be subjected to significant financial penalties.  Accordingly there was no incentive for the bank to be benevolent to Dresden.

Dresden Leipzig was enjoying first hand experience the sort of exclusion and government control of Infidels for which he was previously such an enthusiastic advocate. His sense of humour was nowhere to be seen.

As Leipzig was preparing to leave his bank, another staff member approached the staff member dealing with Dresden. After their brief conversation Dresden was informed that a new status would be applied to his account, as a result of conformation of a reduction of his carbon footprint to below his allocated level. This meant the bank could now conduct business with him and any funds in the account would be available to him. There was also sufficient funds in his account for him to make the withdrawal he was seeking.

The bank officer then accompanied Dresden to a teller and the desired withdrawal transaction was negotiated. That withdrawal transaction only took Leipzig roughly 4.5 hours to complete.

Newsagent

With cash now in his wallet, Dresden made his way to the bus stop and commenced his journey home. When he alighted the bus at his stop, he attended upon a newsagent proximate to the stop to purchase a magazine. The newsagency staff told Dresden the notation on their transaction computer was that he had exceeded his allocated carbon footprint, so no business could be conducted with him.

Leipzig was aware of the presence of other customers in the store. Some were waiting in line behind him and were getting annoyed that his Infidel status was impeding their progress to being served. Dresden did not want to involve himself in any more humiliation, so he left the newsagency without challenging their contention and without any magazines.

Following his experience at the bank and the newsagent, Dresden acknowledged to himself he will have trouble paying his utility bills and the like, because he cannot necessarily access the funds in his bank account.

Segregated Train Station Entry

The programme of transition implemented by The Chief of The Stasi extended to segregated train station entry, as Kate painfully discovered at the busy Kangaroo train station.

There were two (2) clearly marked entry lines for the automated gates at Kangaroo train station:

• one labelled "Non-Infidel Access";

• the other "Infidel Processing."

People moved through the "Non-Infidel" line with relative ease. The "Infidel Processing" line moved considerably slower, with frequent pauses for ID checks.

A Non-Infidel in her late 20s and dressed in practical work attire, Aria was clearly in a hurry and entered the "Non-Infidel Access" line. Prior to Aria, Kate, a 30Something Infidel, mistakenly joined that "Non-Infidel Access" line.

Aria had her eyes fixed on the departure board, as she tapped her foot impatiently. Her train to Sector 7 was nearing final boarding. The "Non-Infidel Access" line was moving steadily, a testament to her compliant status within the system, she thought.

Three (3) places ahead of her, Kate reached the automated gate and placed a worn wristband against the scanner. A jarring red light flashed, accompanied by a curt, robotic voice:

• "Digital ID Rejected. Incorrect Access Point. Infidel Processing Required. Please proceed to designated line."

A collective groan rippled through the "Non-Infidel Access" queue. Several people shifted their weight, their own schedules now slightly imperiled by this disruption.

"Ugh, not one of them," Aria muttered under her breath, her annoyance immediately amplified by the clearly marked separate line.

Kate visibly recoiled at the robotic directive and the glares from the people behind her. She seemed confused and perhaps a little ashamed, her eyes darting towards the much slower "Infidel Processing" line.

"Come on, move it along!" Aria exclaimed, stepping closer. "Some of us have actual lives and schedules! You are in the wrong line! Can't you even follow simple instructions?"

Aria glared at Kate, her fists clenching. "You people are all the same! Cluttering up the system, causing delays for those of us who contribute!" She roughly pushed past Kate, attempting to scan her own ID, but the gate remained locked, due to the previous rejection.

Kate stammered, her voice barely audible. "I ... I did not see ... I just ..." She fumbled with her wristband, her face paling.

"Well, now you have cost me my train!" Aria snapped, her face flushed with anger. The chime announcing the final boarding call of her train echoed through the station. "Because of your incompetence! First you are an Infidel, now you can not even read signs!"

The robotic voice from the automated entry gate repeated its directive. Simultaneously, two (2) uniformed Peacekeepers approached Kate The Infidel.

"Subject identified. Incorrect sector access attempted. Infidel processing required. You are causing a disruption in a designated Non-Infidel zone. Come with us," one Peacekeeper stated, his tone laced with disdain.

Kate offered no resistance, her head bowed in shame and resignation. The added layer of having been in the wrong line seemed to amplify her sense of guilt and helplessness.

Aria watched, her anger barely contained. "Good. Maybe they will finally learn to stay in their designated areas," she hissed.

The Peacekeepers led Kate away to be processed as a transgressing Infidel.

Punishment

Kate knew, short of a miracle, she would be transferred to a 15-Minute City. Whether she also received an added reprimand for attempting to use the wrong access point was not a significant concern to her, in the circumstances.

Transactional Justice - Offering Up A Sacrificial Lamb

The Criminal Justice System was purring along under the new regime, implementing the correctional justice the regime decreed was necessary to restore order to the community.

An otherwise unremarkable minor level Climate Hoaxer found himself before the Court and added some colour to what are usually sterile proceedings. His crime was attending a small climate change rally.

He addressed the Sentencing Judge personally:

• “Please do not subject me to microchipping and Digital ID. I will give you the identification details of a grotesque reality television contestant. She is surely a greater scourge on our society then me.”

In reply the Sentencing Judge said:

I concede in evaluating the two (2) players currently in the spotlight, the reality television contestant is the more repulsive.  I am disposed to grant your request, on your commitment / promise to the Court that your Climate Hoax days are over.

The Accused: I will happily sign such an undertaking.

The Sentencing Judge added: However, I currently do not have the power to do so. Perhaps you might address me on why microchipping and Digital ID is not an appropriate sentence for you.

In his ultimate address to the Court regarding the colourful low-level Climate Hoaxer, the Sentencing Judge said:

“You have convinced me microchipping and Digital ID is not the appropriate sentence for you. And upon your agreement, which you have already given, you will be sentenced to 500 hours of unpaid community service work. I reiterate again to you, it is time you retired from Climate Hoaxing.”

Train Station

A couple of days subsequent to his confronting bank and newsagent experience, Dresden made his way to his local train station, as he had an errand to run in the city. Dresden ensured he was in the "Infidel Processing" line and had no intention of complaining about the slow progress that line might make.

When Dresden made it to the automated gates at the head of his Infidel Processing line, he placed his government imposed wristband against the scanner. Leipzig then discovered his digital identification was rejected. That rejection triggered a warning across the security system and security officers were dispatched to locate Dresden and transfer him to a 15-Minute City zone.

15 Minute City

Upon relocation to his new residential environment, a 15 Minute City, Dresden was subjected to a brief induction program. The city itself was soulless and sterile. The modest city centre was surrounded by indistinguishable apartment buildings that stretched to the boundary of the city. No infidels are allowed to own or use motor vehicles. The boundary of the city is a walk of 15 minutes from the city centre.

All 15 Minute City inhabitants (Infidels) are expected to wear their government issued wristbands at all times. Even if they do not do so, their microchip will be used to monitor their presence and activity at all times.

The automated gates system that Leipzig encountered at the train station was largely replicated in his 15 Minute City. No one was allowed to leave the city without the approval of the authorities. The wristband and the microchip are used to ensure no one leaves the city without permission. There are checkpoints at various locations throughout the city where Infidels can check their carbon footprint.

Upon the conclusion of that brief induction program, Leipzig was escorted to his new residence, an apartment in a soulless apartment building that was largely indistinguishable from the buildings surrounding it.

It was emphasised to Dresden by his regime induction companion who accompanied him to his new residence that entry to the apartment was primarily controlled by the wristband / microchip and therefore the authorities.

Dresden was sufficiently intuitive to realise he did not get any input to that decision making, so he did not argue with his induction companion.

Now relocated to his 15 Minute City apartment Dresden reflected upon his journey there a little. He noticed the tedium and monotony of his neighbourhood was interrupted from time to time with billboards encouraging the inhabitants not to exceed their allocated carbon footprint. What he had seen of the city thus far seemed to be resplendent with surveillance cameras.

After he had been in his new residence for a while, Leipzig went for a walk. Upon reaching the downstairs common area of his building, Dresden encountered a fellow building occupant who had apparently done some grocery shopping. The neighbour commenced the conversation:

“Choice is a thing of the past in shops in this 15 Minute City. All stores have a maximum of three types of items from which to choose and the authorities are apparently in no hurry to restock empty shelves. It is correct to say you get used to it. It is not correct to say you learn to enjoy it. Enjoy what you can here. I am going to my apartment. Perhaps our paths may cross again in the future.

Dresden got the impression his new neighbour did not want to be seen dwelling on a conversation. Dresden thanked him for his information.

The Leipzig walk expanded from the downstairs common area of his building to the streets surrounding his new residence and Dresden happened upon one of the billboards encouraging the city inhabitants not to exceed their allocated carbon footprint. As he stood reading the sign, another city resident spoke to him:

“Seems you are new here. There is no apparent rationale behind how the carbon footprint rationing system works in this city. The regime is very good at making you lose carbon credits. Any possible ways to earn carbon credits or improve your carbon score are never revealed. The whole carbon footprint allowance is used to manipulate behaviour within the City. There is a carbon footprint checkpoint nearby, let us see how your status is fairing.”

The checkpoint to which he was referring was no more than 50 metres from the billboard where they were conversing.

His conversation partner then invited Dresden to scan his wristband.

Dresden acceded to the request and a number appeared on the small checkpoint screen.

His conversation partner continued:

“That reading will vary for no apparent rhyme or reason, even though you believe nothing has occurred in your life to alter your carbon footprint score.”

Anyway, I have to keep moving. I hope you found this information helpful.”

Leipzig thanked his conversation partner and they each went on their way.

Best Dresden return home, he thought. As he made his way home, he found himself reflecting upon the information provided by his conversation partner: Helpful information provided to reinforce that the regime wanted the inhabitants of the 15 Minute City to be helpless.

As Dresden turned off the footpath into the walkway to his residential complex, he noticed the billboard that was visible from that vantage point had changed its graphic to:

• Enjoy your 15 Minute City, Infidels. This is the life you wanted.

Detained In Malaysia

The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley

A politician known for his obstructive tactics and self-serving delays within the Australian government, Senator Appleby Chumley made headline political news of a different kind in Australia by getting himself detained in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. The news revealed Chumley was swiftly deemed a security threat by Malaysian authorities and listed for deportation.

The overwhelming response of the general public to that news was that they were not interested in it in the slightest. Politicians of all persuasions made some performative noise about it. There were a few sound bite responses to the media pack from some politicians, but most of them had better things with which to concern themselves.

Privately most politicians saw the Chumley predicament as a form of karmic justice, however the government publicly announced its deep concern and commitment to understanding the situation. To that end, "The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley" was promptly formed.

Committee Meets

Held a full month after the Malaysian detention of Senator Chumley, the first meeting of the Committee descended into a morass of procedural debate. The air in the committee room was thick with unspoken agendas and thinly veiled animosity. The selection of a chairperson was the first order of business and it immediately devolved into a parliamentary free-for-all.

A veteran known for his meticulous adherence to (and frequent weaponization of) standing orders, Senator Davies insisted on a secret ballot with multiple rounds of nominations, each requiring a seconder and a lengthy justification. Meanwhile, the recently appointed member Ms Chen was eager to assert her authority and argued vehemently for a rotating chair, based on alphabetical order of surname, a proposal that conveniently placed her early in the rotation.

The debate spiralled into discussions about:

• the definition of "suitably qualified";

• the historical precedents for chair selection in similar (though entirely dissimilar) committees; and

• the potential for conflicts of interest, real or imagined.

Hours ticked by, motions were proposed and immediately amended, and points of order were raised regarding the validity of previous points of order. The very notion of progress became a distant memory.

Languishing thousands of kilometres away, the Senator For Obstruction, Senator Chumley, remained a forgotten footnote in this self-important display of bureaucratic paralysis.

Meeting Two: The Program of Inquiry

Another month later and the reluctant appointment to Committee Chairman of a man whose primary ambition was to avoid making any actual decisions, Senator Peterson did little to inject momentum into the committee.

The focus shifted to the "Program of Inquiry," a seemingly innocuous agenda item that, pedant with a penchant for bureaucratic jargon, Mr Percival Pettifog seized upon with the zeal of a zealot finding a loophole. "Before we even consider the specifics of … the unfortunate sojourn of Senator Chumley," he declared, adjusting his spectacles with an air of profound intellectual rigour, "surely we must establish a robust epistemological framework for our investigation."

This led to a lengthy digression on the nature of evidence, the reliability of Malaysian sources, and the potential for cognitive bias within the committee itself. Mr Percival Pettifog then unveiled his initial lines of inquiry:

• a detailed analysis of publicly available flight manifests for the week of the arrival of Senator Chumley;

• a comparative study of Malaysian airport security protocols versus Australian standards (circa 1978); and

• a comprehensive survey of the dietary preferences of all personnel on duty at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on the day in question,

• cross-referenced with publicly available astrological charts.

The initial expressions of polite bewilderment from other Committee members soon morphed into thinly veiled exasperation, as Mr Percival Pettifog passionately defended the crucial relevance of each increasingly tangential avenue.

The Government Visits The Senator For Obstruction

Meanwhile, tasked with the purely symbolic gesture, a junior government representative visited the bewildered and increasingly frustrated Senator Chumley in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Mr Junior Government Representative delivered a carefully worded update on the "significant progress" being made by the Committee back in Australia. The Senator For Obstruction was assured that no stone will be left unturned (eventually).

Mr Junior Government Representative then returned to Australia with little to no new information. Importantly, he delivered a glowing report of the "compassionate and effective" intervention of the government.

Months of Meetings

The first scheduled public hearing of the Committee was predictably farcical. Mr Percival Pettifog managing to have himself double-booked on the date of that hearing meant the hearing needed to be adjourned. The flimsy, convoluted and unconvincing excuses proffered by Mr Percival Pettifog did nothing to quell the raw anger of the other Committee members. Of course, that meant Senator Chumley continued to remain in limbo in Malaysia.

Subsequent hearings were also repeatedly postponed due to "scheduling conflicts" and the need for "further preliminary inquiries." Bogging down the Committee in endless procedural debates, subcommittee formations, and the analysis of irrelevant data seemed to be the primary purpose of Mr Percival Pettifog. He could hardly be satisfied that the Committee produced nothing but voluminous minutes, filled with his increasingly outlandish proposals  and the exasperated sighs of his colleagues.

The subsequent months unfolded in a predictable cycle of unproductive meetings. Mr Percival Pettifog proved tireless in his pursuit of the irrelevant. One meeting was entirely devoted to debating the appropriate font and margin size for their interim report on meteorological data. Another saw the formation of a subcommittee (spearheaded by Mr Percival Pettifog) dedicated to analysing the precise shade of blue used on the Kuala Lumpur airport signage. This subcommittee met weekly, poring over photographs and Pantone charts, while the core issue of the Senator Chumley Malaysian detention remained unaddressed.

Proposals for actual fact-finding missions to Malaysia were invariably bogged down in discussions about travel budgets, diplomatic protocols, and the potential for "cultural insensitivity." The exasperated sighs of Senator Davies, the eye-rolls of Ms Chen, and the general air of weary resignation that permeated the Committee room became the defining characteristics of these protracted and pointless gatherings. Meticulously recording every procedural squabble and tangential debate, the voluminous minutes grew ever thicker, a testament to the remarkable ability of the Committee to achieve absolutely nothing.

As the inaction of the Committee became apparent, the public and media were losing interest in the Senator Chumley situation. Whatever outrage may have initially existed, had now given way to cynicism and apathy.

Federal Election Approaching

The detention of the Senator For Obstruction occurred 18 months prior to the scheduled next federal election and that election was now approaching. The political fortunes of Senator Chumley were declining both at home and abroad. There was no mood to re-elect the Senator For Obstruction and leaks of internal party discussions revealed pretty much everyone wanted to forget about him.

The outcome of the federal election produced an unsurprising result and lead to a change in government. The new government had no vested interest in the performative exercises of the previous administration and promptly after assuming power, it announced the disbandment of The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley. Upon hearing the news of the disbandment, the Committee members expressed relief that they could turn their attention to more useful purposes.

A couple of months after the federal election, Mr Junior Government Representative made a second and less publicised trip to Senator Appleby Chumley in his Kuala Lumpur detention. Mr Junior Government Representative informed Chumley of the relevant Australian news:

• Chumley was not re-elected and was now a private citizen.

• With the change in government, The Committee For The Protracted Consideration of The Malaysian Misadventure of Senator Appleby Chumley was disbanded.

Mr Junior Government Representative further explained that ex-Senator Chumley would now need to deal directly with the Malaysian authorities regarding his continued detention and potential deportation. Those dealings would no longer enjoy the backing or assistance of the Australian government or its now defunct Committee.

Having discharged his duty of informing Senator Appleby Chumley of the relevant Australian news, Mr Junior Government Representative then departed Malaysia for Australia. That left Senator Appleby Chumley alone to contemplate his new reality. The silence of that contemplation in Malaysian detention was punctuated by the faint strains of a tinny radio playing the 1973 song by The Who, "The Real Me":

"... Can you see the real me?

Can ya?

Can ya? ..."

As the Senator For Obstruction was returned to his jail cell in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, the accompanying prison guard spoke to him:

“I have a message for you from a Miss Julie London. She said she would Cry You a River.”

Important Matters of State

 The Minor Key Café

Nicky Parsons arose from her desk and walked purposely to the office of Emily Abernathy. As she entered the office, she closed the door.

Nicky: Miss Abernathy, I have important matters of state to discuss with you and we should not be interrupted.

Emily, looking up from her desk: “The floor is yours, Miss Parsons.”

Nicky: Thank you. We have previously made arrangements to go grocery shopping on Saturday. We cannot possibly shop for groceries on an empty stomach. I propose that we have breakfast at the Minor Key Café and then undertake the grocery shopping venture.

Emily: You were correct to close the door, Miss Parsons. We should not be interrupted while we discuss these important matters of state. I cannot believe we overlooked breakfast in making our arrangements.

Nicky: The Minor Key Café, Miss Abernathy. The Minor Key Café.

Emily: 8:00 am Saturday, Miss Parsons?

Nicky: Excellent idea, Miss Abernathy. We might even have lunch near your residence upon the completion of our shopping expedition.

Emily: So, make a relaxing, casual day of it?

Nicky: Brilliant, Miss Abernathy.

Emily: A product of your inspiration, Miss Parsons.

Nicky: 8:00 am Saturday The Minor Key Café.

Emily: Yes, 8:00 am Saturday The Minor Key Café.

Nicky: Splendid, Miss Abernathy. I shall return to my office.

Emily: This was not an interruption, Miss Parsons. This was an important matter of state and I am glad you brought it to my attention.

Nicky: All a part of serving Queen and country, Miss Abernathy. Have a good day.

Nicky Parsons then returned to her office.

Saturday

Saturday arrived and just after 7:50 am, Nicky Parsons made her way to a booth at the back of the Minor Key Café.

There were not many other patrons in the café when Emily joined Nicky a few minutes later.

Emily greeted Nicky: Miss Parsons, I feel it is appropriate that we deal with an important matter of state first, then we can proceed with our breakfast.

Nicky: An important matter of state, Miss Abernathy?

Emily: Yes.

Nicky: Then we shall adjourn eating until this matter is resolved.

Emily: Thank you, Miss Parsons. It will not be necessary for me to purchase fabric softener during our grocery shopping expedition. I have an adequate supply at home.

Nicky: Thank you for putting my mind at rest, Miss Abernathy. I was concerned the supermarket may not have fabric softener for you.

Emily: That concludes the important matters of state, Miss Parsons.

Nicky: Not quite, Miss Abernathy.

Emily: Miss Parsons?

Nicky: Breakfast, Miss Abernathy. Minor Key Café breakfast.

Emily: The most important current matter of state, Miss Parsons.

Nicky: Then we should give it all of our attention, Miss Abernathy.

Emily: Without delay, Miss Parsons.

The women laughed and laughed and then ordered breakfast.

Anyone hoping for some subsequent juicy eavesdropping upon Nicky and Emily would have been sadly disappointed. Breakfast conversation took a very deep dive into the mundane for the enigmatic agents and they were clearly enjoying themselves.

Emily: Another pot of tea, Miss Parsons?

Nicky: Yes, Miss Abernathy. No need to cut this wonderful breakfast short.

More than ninety (90) minutes after arriving at the Minor Key Café, Nicky and Emily were ready for their grocery shopping expedition, energised, in a very relaxing way, by a very enjoyable breakfast together.

The leisurely pace of their morning continued at the supermarket as the enigmatic agents strolled around the aisles, which were largely uncluttered by other shoppers.

Their shopping almost complete, Nicky and Emily made their way to the checkout.

Emily had a little trouble finding her purse in her handbag. Noticing the moment of inconvenience for Emily, Nicky showed Emily the Parsons purse and said:

“Do you need me to help you out?”

Emily had located her purse by that time and when their laughter subsided, Emily replied:

“Lunch is definitely on you.”

They left the supermarket with their spirits high.

After Shopping Cafeteria Confrontation

The weight of their shopping bags a familiar anchor, Nicky and Emily were not far past the automatic doors of the supermarket, when the gaze of Emily sharpened.  It focussed on a scene unfolding near the outdoor seating of a small cafeteria further along the footpath.

Emily kept her voice low as she said:

"Nicky, You need to go and deal with that man. Now. I am going to telephone the police from the public telephone on the footpath over there (outside the supermarket)."

Nicky followed the Emily gaze. A man was looming over a woman seated at one of the tables. His posture was aggressive. The woman looked distressed and her hands were clutched tightly in her lap.

Nicky's expression hardened instantly. "OK," she replied, her voice devoid of hesitation.

Nicky quickly made her way to the cafeteria couple. Her right hand slipped inside her jacket, finding the reassuring grip of her firearm. With her left hand, she moved quickly, firmly grasping the arm of the man, just above the elbow. He flinched, surprised by the sudden contact.

The Parsons voice was calm but serious, as she pressed the cold steel of her firearm discreetly but firmly against the ribs of her new friend and spoke to him:

"We are going to sit in this cafeteria until your friends, the police, arrive."

The eyes of her new male friend widened and his aggression was momentarily replaced by a flicker of fear. He nodded stiffly, allowing Nicky to guide him towards an empty table inside the cafeteria.

Nicky and her new male friend were joined by Emily a few minutes later. Emily fixed her steady gaze on the man as she took her seat. The distressed woman from outside watched this impromptu introduction episode with a mixture of relief and apprehension.

A further few tense minutes passed before two (2) uniformed police officers arrived at the cafeteria. Nicky addressed them with an air of calm authority.

Gesturing to the man beside her, Agent Parsons said:

"Officers, Our friend here, Mr Suit, asked us to wait with him until you arrived. He has a story he wants to tell you."

The eyes of the taller of the two officer seemed to be assessing the situation and he nodded as he responded to Nicky:

"Thank you, ladies. Mr Suit can tell us his story at the police station."

As they placed handcuffs on the now subdued Mr Suit and prepared to escort him away, the two (2) male officers turned to Nicky and Emily. "Have a nice day, ladies".

Emily turned her attention to the woman who had been the focus of the initial altercation. "Will you be OK?" she asked.

The woman nodded and said: "Yes. Thank you both. Really."

"Ok then. We will leave you to enjoy the rest of your day" Emily replied.

Emily then spoke to Nicky: “That lunch we planned to have together will be very welcome.”

Nicky: “We will stop off at my apartment, of course. It is not far away. Do you want to stay for a cup of tea, before we head to your home to drop off your groceries?”

Emily: “A cup of tea at your house is a good idea.”

Crosstown Traffic

Several weeks after the outdoor cafeteria confrontation interrupted their pleasant day of shopping and socialising, their MI6 Boss contacted Nicky Parsons and Emily Abernathy, as well as Agent Harriet (the stuffy shirts) individually and invited them to his office simultaneously.

When the three (3) stuffy shirts arrived in his office, The Boss addressed them:

“Ladies, I have a task for you. I want you three (3) to travel to the area near the train station Harriet uses to travel to work, collect something for me and bring it back to the office.

This is not a disciplinary exercise, this is an opportunity for you to enjoy yourselves. Have lunch, have morning tea, have afternoon tea, even do some shopping.

Just come back to the office before closing time and bring me my delivery.

Think of this as a reward for the good work you do.

Of course, you could always stay in the office and work. The choice is yours.”

Parsons: A trip to Harrietville?

Boss: Yes

Emily: For work?

Boss: Yes.

Harriet: Make a day of it?

Boss: Yes, and bring back my package.

Parsons: And what would be that package?

Boss: The only jeweller near the entrance to Harrietville train station is cleaning a family heirloom brooch I propose to give to my wife for our wedding anniversary. The jeweller tells me the brooch is now ready for collection.

Interested, ladies? Or am I going to visit that jewellers?

Emily: That is a pretty compelling argument for us to spend a day in Harrietville.

Harriet: Most compelling.

Parsons: I would not want to insult you by rejecting your offer, Sir. I am happy to accompany my colleagues for you.

Emily: It is the least we could do.

Harriet: I will happily be Officer-In-Charge of Travel Arrangements.

Boss: I will telephone the jewellers and let them know that you are coming to collect my package.

Do you have any more questions, ladies?

The 3 Stuffy Shirts: No.

Boss: Thank you. Enjoy your day.

As soon as the three (3) stuffy shirts left the office of the Boss, Harriet said: “Ladies, collect your handbags and coats and meet me in my office.”

Nicky and Emily: “See you in 10 minutes.”

When Nicky and Emily arrived in the office of Harriet with their handbags and coats, Harriet said: “Ladies, to the train station.”

It was a very pleasant walk to the train station and upon arrival, Harriet guided the stuffy shirts to the correct platform for their journey.

As they were waiting for their train, Emily seemed to be focussed on their destination station.

Emily: Harriet, your station is four (4) stations from our station, if one takes a cross town train.

Harriet: I never thought about it like that, but yes.

Parsons: Four (4) stations?

Emily: On a cross town train.

Harriet: More stuffy shirts tea and muffins?

Parsons: Not just tea and muffins, more stuffy shirts adventures.

Emily: Splendid.

Parsons: This was an unexpected consequence of running the errand for the boss.

Emily: And a very good one.

Harriet: This is our train now.

The three (3) stuffy shirts then boarded the train en route to the Harrietville jeweller.

When the train arrived at Harrietville station, the three (3) stuffy shirts alighted and Emily led the trio to the ticket and enquiries counter. Emily asked for a timetable for the crosstown train from Harrietville station to her station.

When the train station staff member returned with the requested time table, Emily asked: Can you make it two (2) timetables, please. I think my friend would like one.

Harriet then joined the conversation: Could you make it three (3) timetables, please?

The train station staff member then provided the three (3) stuffy shirts with a cross town train timetable each.

Nicky Parsons then spoke to Emily and Harriet:

”If we go straight to the jeweller from here and collect the package for the boss, the rest of the day is ours, until we have to return to work.”

Emily: I like your plan.

Harriet: So do I.

Harriet then led the way to the jeweller and when they arrived, she dealt with the store staff.

Harriet: Our boss told us you have a package for us to collect for him.

Store staff member: Good morning, ladies, We were expecting you. Here is the package for you.

Nicky: Could you please telephone our boss and tell him we are in your jewellers and collecting his package? The package seems important to him.

Emily: Good idea.

Harriet: Yes, Good idea.

Store staff member: OK, wait here while I telephone your boss.

Five (5) minutes later the store staff member returned and spoke to the stuffy shirts:

“Your boss said he was grateful for your caution and to enjoy the rest of your day.”

Nicky: Thank you. We will take the package now, if that is convenient?

Store staff member: Yes, here is your package. Enjoy your day.

Nicky took custody of the package and the three (3) stuffy shirts each said to the store staff member: “Thank you. Have a good day.”

Once they were outside the store, Nicky said to Emily and Harriet: “Ladies, the day is now ours.”

Emily: Looks like you are the tour guide for today, Harriet.

Harriet: Shopping first or a pot of tea?

Nicky: If we share a pot of tea, you can tell us what is available in your neighbourhood.

Emily: A pot of tea seems to be the preferred option.

Harriet: Then ladies, let us adjourn to a cafeteria and discuss our options over a pot of tea.

The three (3) stuffy shirts had a lovely day in Harrietville and made sure they returned to the office well before closing time, so they could give the boss his package.